My last post was... gasp... two years ago.
I was just randomly searching for whatever I can read to combat depression and catatonia, and I came across a personal blog. Well, the way blogs were supposed to be. Personal. A chronicle of sort of one's life, written in gripping prose.
Not how blogs are seen these days, as either a political piece, a short-cut to fame and, well, infamy for some, or a source of income. No. Not those at all... A personal blog. And it got me thinking about visiting this Batchoyan, that, though not serving anymore as often as it used to, remains open and takes up blogspace. And so, I turn to what have always been a panacea for me. Writing.
So yes, you can say, some darkness creates light elsewhere, and that's what you owe this new blog post to.
There I was in my somber gloomy mood, licking my wounds, staving off full on rock bottom clinical depression, just wasting my time, unemployed and alone in Manila, stretching what little money I have saved, and getting by with raket jobs that comes every now and then... It has been two years too, that I have been preparing and suffering and having my life on hold and in suspended animation... and again, I taste the full sting of defeat. I was thinking, I have been here before, I could handle it better, but not.
You know what they say about pain.
How it fucking demands to be felt.
Oh but yeah, as all returns demand, I owe you an 'ang nakaraan' explanation to how I got here at this point of my dreary sordid life.
So okay. back story to keep us up to date.
In March 2014, I have checked and rechecked my old tattered prospectus. I have penciled in all grades from all subjects and I was delighted to know that after X number of years, I was finally about to be done with law school! All marked and completed! I applied for graduation. I was already dreaming of the day wearing my garb and starting the next journey. But no. One subject held me back and gave me a failing grade. After much talking and gnashing and anguish, the 5.0 was retracted and I was given an INC. Long story short, it took me another year to finish and get a sudden death completion exams to get that over and done with.
In April of 2015, I finally donned my Law School Sablay, and graduated. Of course. The next thing to think of was the Bar Exams. I psyched myself up. I made major decisions. I gathered all my strengths and my resolves. I moved to Manila. Again. This time, the plan was to stay for good. Well, for best, if you may.
I just figured that to be able to concentrate and focus on the review, I would have to spend at least 6 grueling months. Creature of comfort that I am, I needed my command center. The thought of having to go through the process of uprooting and settling in Manila, and then doing it all over again to come back to Iloilo was daunting. My plan was to stay. Find my command center, make a home, and be based in Manila for good. I would review for 6 months, take the Bar which lasts for a month, take a few months break, find a job maybe, and wait for the results. After which, recoup, consider my options, and stay in the Metro. It sounded like a good plan.
Of course, my mother, being the mother, like all mothers are, and my father, being unlike any father that all fathers are, did try every so often to get me to go back to Iloilo.
I was stubborn. I did not want to budge. As a result, I suffered bouts of homesickness, missing my friends, missing my community, watching the scenes I have established in Iloilo flourish without me, and the occasional push and pulls every time I come home for a break. It isn't easy. Well nothing is.
As it is, and as all best laid plans go, they do not go as best as we want them to. Fast forward... two review seasons, two years, two attempts. No such luck.
So here I am, alone in the Metro, no family, my friends busy with their own lives. Unemployed, borderline depressed, funds running out quick, waiting for the next chapter to unfold, with nothing to show for but this stubborn hope, and my dreams that are bigger than me. Ah but the stories!
Oh yes, the stories! Rich, colorful stories yes. I do have a lot. And yes I have come home to the Batchoyan to tell them all. As I have always done so...
I know I have promised to keep writing and reviving this blog, time and again. But now, the promise shall be even stronger.
I cannot wait to tell the stories.
The Batchoyan needs dusting here and there, fixing this and that, but yes, it opens one more time.
It's technically not a reopening because it never really closed but what the hell! Besides, after these days of gloom and doom, I need an excuse to celebrate, so yeah!
Welcome me back.