Saturday, February 20, 2010

Hey, You...

Hey, you...

Yes, you. I know that you know who you are. I know you read my blog.

This is how you got my number, right? This is how you knew I was in Manila. This is how you knew I

was lonely. This is how you knew how big your chances were with me.

You knew from my blog. I was vocal about how I prefer the chubby guys. You knew how my heart would skip should I see your cute little chinky eyes disappear when you laugh. You knew the topics you’d be discussing with me. You got me all figured out. Did you rehearse a song and dance number to go along with your little caper with me?

You were always asking me when I will get to write about you here. I was delaying gratification. You were my best kept secret. I kept you in my heart and soul. Just for my own private consumption. Mine alone. I did not want to tell the world how your hugs set me aflame, or how your kisses tastes like sun ripened sweet luscious mangos. How, my heart longed for you to be mine alone. How my spirits yearn for you, and how my soul shouts your name. But to write about you here would be blasphemous perhaps. So I stopped my fingers each time I would be tempted to tell the world at large. I tempered my keyboard.

You know what? It’s weird. I planned to introduce you this way. With an entry that would be epistolary. A ‘hey you... entry’. Sooner or later something’s got to give. I was planning to either open you up to the world as my birthday present, or a sinful Lenten perdition. Funny, it’s a hey you, that I now write about you.

Maybe you weren’t able to read the latest entries about my suspension, or if you did pay attention to my texts, you wouldn’t have guessed that, of all places, I would be were I was that day. I was even a bit excited to go for the job offer that my friend referred me to, because, then I would be closer where you work. I did not tell you because I did not want to count my chicks before they hatch.

Now I come to realize. Yeah, right, you had to work last Valentines. I’m sure. Then again, who am I to demand? We are not really we, and there is no ‘us’ yet really. So I guess I was right for holding back a bit. When I saw you there, you were your wonderful self - so smartly dressed and really gorgeous. I stifled the urge to call out your name. I wanted to sneak up on you and just grab you from behind and hold you as if in horseplay. So I tried to get to sneak up from behind you. What I saw was clear as daylight. You were holding his hand, behind your backs, in the same way I would hold yours. Just by the pinkie fingers. So, you applied my style eh. Picked up a little something from me? How sweet.

So I walked past you, took a look back at you two, smiled and walked faster away. I saw the terror in your eyes. Don’t worry; I’m not one to make a scene. Not ever. As the song goes, I’ll never let you see, the way my broken heart is hurting me. I got my pride and I know how to hide all my sorrow and pain... Now all I need is a good rainy night.

Thank you, at least, for being honest with me when we talked. So he was your boyfriend. Even before you met me, he was there. So you got confused. At first you were just planning to get to know me, and then you got carried away. You were caught between goodbye and I love you, so you said. Then you got confused with whom to say goodbye to. You got mixed up in deep shit. You said sorry. I then asked you if you understood the concept of ‘void ab initio?’

Thank you, for making me realize what I’m really made of. To be very honest with you, they were very tempting proposals that you propositioned. To either give you time to break it up with him, or to be your third wheel. You know what; I swallowed a big lump in my throat. God, it would be very hard to decide, so I asked you to give me time to think.

Honestly, I would miss your tight embraces. Your sultry kisses, and the sweet longing with which you make love to me. How the very scent of you approaching makes me giddy and all clammy, and how the very sound of your voice calling out my name turns me solid steel. How you seem to know the perfect way to steer my moods no matter what or how my day has been. How you read back my poems to me like the persona’s voice is yours from the very first drop of ink. How you struggled to learn my language, so you could properly say you miss me, you want me, you love me.

How ironic, that we’re seemed to be through before we can even get started. You see, you were slack in your research and your readings. You forgot one vital thing. I was looking for someone decent, because I too, am decent. Being third wheel is nowhere near what I stand and believe in. I believe in love. I believe in fidelity. I respect relationships.

So, now, hey, you... I am hitting two birds with one stone. No actually, three, with this post.

First bird – I finally got to write about you... yes, you... in this blog.

Second bird – I have thought about it. Actually, when we talked, I already knew my answer. I was just afraid I wouldn’t hear myself above the din and the racket of the squall in my heart.


I’m sorry. I love you. Really, I do, but, no. Even if we were never us yet. I really do. Trust me. I do not doubt that you feel the same way. I know you do, too. I felt it. But I also know how it feels, and I have been in your boyfriend’s shoe, and it’s not a very nice place to be in, even if it would be a Prada. I know you can just shrug your shoulders and move on to your next prospect, but no sir, not me.

Third Bird – You remember how I laughed at how pathetic some songs could be? How I think I will never get to sing those songs? Songs like ‘Somewhere down the road” because I really don’t believe in a somewhere whichever road may be, because I believe in the ‘right here, right now?’ Or that song, ‘Sad to belong to someone else,’ because I said that if I belonged to someone else, no matter what, he will remain the right one? And yes, that song “I love you, Goodbye,” because I think it’s just a pathetic lyrical coward’s way out? Another way of saying ‘It’s me’ not you?’ I guess I’m wrong. I might be singing it after all.

Maybe this is the appropriate time to sing that song. For someone that you almost had, but was never really yours. Almost! So, yes, I love you goodbye. But it’s really you, not me. Or rather, it would be something like... you put on quite a show, really had me going, now its time to go, curtains finally closing, that was quite a show, very entertaining....

Hey, you...



Photo Credits:

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Post Blah Post

And so it came to pass...

Post Valentine, post suspension, post... blah blah post!

To start off everything, of course, it's all about the money.

Concern poured off from well meaning friends and those people who were very well with meanings. Hehehehe. My Iranian friend got me out of the self inflicted emo-ness with an invitation I can't quite resist. Coffee!

He had work that night so I had to wait for him to get off. We decided to meet at the hour of great mercy! Chos! 3 AM!

So I dragged my lethargic self to malate, where we agreed to meet up. I was quite early so I just loitered around Silya and O Bar. Technically it was still Valentine's day, though the date itself ended one or two hours back. There were the sweet cheesiness couples and the deadline chasers all around. Of course there were those who simply did not care, with their full on smiles and ultra 'light' foundation day, arching an eyebrow with a twang 'say wha? Valentine's wha?"

I sat outside O nursing my Cali shandy, wishing somehow, I could drink, but no. As the night drew on, the scene grew more drunken. People spilled in and out the bar. I got my share of curious stares, too, and did notice a few cuties throw a glance my way, but no, I'm in no shape and I was waiting for my friend, so no.

One brave and gorgeous soul climbed over my wall and engaged me in a chit-chat. He was a Hollander and we got to talk about things.

H: You alone?
L: Yeah...
H: On a Valentine night?
L: Well, yes, as it seems... You?
H: We had a big fight
L: Oh, I,m sorry...
H: No, don't be... He's a jerk
L: I see... and the game plan is?
H: What do you mean?
L: You're here to cool your head, then? Or heat up one of them, yes?
H: Hahaha, you're funny!
L: Too funny to be taken seriously, perhaps?
H: And smart too...
L: Too smart for this crazy little thing called love.
H: And not bad looking either
L: Compliments get you everywhere, but not tonight.
H: Oh? Why? At least you're out.
L: Well, I'd like to say I'm put to celebrate my singlehood but, really, I'm just waiting for a friend.
H: Friend?
L: Yeah, friend. Excuse me, I feel like peeing.

And so, he thought it was a signal for some sleazy CR action, but no.. Iihi lang talaga ako.

Shortly after I got back out on the streets, he was still on my heel, and this waiting thing gets so strenuous. Mercifully, Iranian friend arrived shortly.
H:(from somewhere at my back) Friend... right?
Well Iranian friend is gorgeous, but painfully straight, and we have this sweet habit of giving each other tight hugs when we meet. These guys are the best. They know my sexuality and in more than one instance have bailed me out of bad dates, too.
they don't mind when I teasingly call them my boyfriends.
L: Yeah, friend...
H: Right!
What a sourpuss!

Well, the crux of the matter is that, there is this opening for a coaching/trainer position in Iranian friend's company, so he will try to refer me. The clouds of despair lifted the instance he showed up his gorgeous face and hugged me, and with those words, the sun came shinning through. The rest of the evening went marvelously.
Now, the waiting game has begun anew. I'm standing by my cell phone waiting for that call. Waiting is such a pain, really!

I asked him why he was dateless on a Valentine's night. He said girlfriend was stuck back home in the province with familial events. Her dad being a politician, they had this elections chuvaness of giving 'hearts' on Valentine's Day. He asked me why I was dateless myself. The inevitable question nga naman, sheesh...

I told him that the prospects were dim. I did have a pre-valentine rendezvous but things did not go the way I wished it would... well, bummer.

I: Well, why what happened.
L: The pre-date was just not right.
I: You and your standards... speaking too soon or thinking too much again, Luis.
L: Well, we had sex, at least. That's where he wanted it to lead to.
I: So... bad lay?
L: Nah, it was good. It's just that...
I: That what?
L: While I was drilling him, I was consumed with the thought of updating my resume.

Well, yes... that. I finally said yes to this makulit guy who was texting me on and off, and we met the day before the Valentines. He managed to wrangle me off my cup of coffee and invited me back to his place. He was ok, and seemed decent but there's just this sexual tension that hanged in the air with his every move. I took pity on the guy and decided to relieve him of his sexual anxiety. So we ended up in his ottoman. He had the usual chu chu... won't kiss, etc etc. He then surprised me with a full on lip smacking action in the middle of sex with a silly naughty grin saying... "Do you realize its past 12am? It's Valentines... happy valentines day!" Now, where did that come from? Just when I thought there was something to it. When we kissed, I thought he turned into a prince... then again, when we came, the spell broke when he immediately got up to wash, leaving me with a cigarette and a terrible desire to cuddle and hug... Finally, the prince turned back into the warty frog when he walked me out of his apartment to grab a cab, and reached for my groin, squeezed it playfully and said "thank you."

Thank you?

Charmita also followed after her off, and the great thing is, she might also squeeze in with me in the new company since her account is also threatened and she does not want to wait for the ax to fall. How exciting! Now coffee with good friends on a chilly night couldn't get any better. The dawn broke, and the world was warm and sunshiny... Katrina and the waves wail at the background.

I opened my mails, when I got home and finally got the invite for 'my' book launching. It's gonna be on March 4 somewhere in Makati. I got excited. The time is just right. I might be able to attend. I replied confirming my invite. Now, the next problem. What to wear? I rummaged through my clothes and realized I need to call the laundry shop na. I also decided to hit the ukays for a decent garb.

Aris my good blogger friend entertained my empty morning with texting about waiting, getting lucky, looking and finding. He said I was hilarious when I texted

"Naku, he has to find me real soon while I'm still in my prime, else, he might find himself shortchanged. Aanhin ko pa ang power bottom kung kumikirot na ang rayuma ko at Pau d' Arco na ang perfume ko?"

So, now... It's waiting...mostly waiting

Waiting for the pick/up delivery from the laundry shop...

Waiting for the call from Iranian friend's company...

Waiting for that post 'finding someone' post to be written...



That one true thing to find me or be found by me.


Photo/Video Credits:

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Defying Gravity

Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying Gravity!

It was a Kung HEY F@CK (Bat)choi

Yeah, it’s the freaking VDAY, or shall I say, D-DAY? D as in dreaded, or d as in de mala in Spanish or dimalas in Hiligaynon! I know I was whining two posts back that work week is just so monotonously ordinary and routinely blah, and little did I know that it will explode to one freaky incident. Kung HEY! F@CK (Bat)choi indeed!

Now there I was, on phone time, managing whatever metrics needed management, looking forward to tomorrow being the last day of the work week, and it being VDAY, sleeping it all off, when our team lead told me to log out for coaching. I thought I’d get the memo because I did not abide by the dress code. I was preparing to say, that I was wearing red, it’s just a watered down hue, as I feel like my love is being watered down by my loneliness. It’s true, pink is a lighter shade of red, so technically, I was still wearing red! Actually, I was preparing to give a reason more mundane, such that my Laundromat had yet to deliver my clothes. It was on a technicality that my day would explode!

The crux: another one of my sales calls was monitored and I failed compliance again. Now, the bottom line – this being my second risk call in a 60 day period, the next Disciplinary Action applies and escalates – hold your breath!


On top of that, my prime commission pay for the first cut-off is forfeited, and I get a score of 0 on my scorecard for that metric. I understand that it is company policy, and I understand that it was valid, but still it did not stop me from feeling down low. Aside from that, since my five day suspension falls on the week where we were supposed to render mandatory overtime, I wouldn’t get that, plus, since its only 28 days for the month, it would be very hard for me to pas my sales metric since I would have to miraculously pull the next cut-off with only 4 days on phone time! Double whammy! Plus, the next time I would get a compliance issue would mean my termination. The pits!

Maybe it added up to the feeling that in my whole work life, I never got any D.A of any sort, and I was never suspended, much less, given a written memo, ever, I was crestfallen.

I am in a tight pinch. It means I would have to say goodbye to my planned VL for my birthday and holy week, since I wouldn’t have enough money, and need my savings for the next cut-off since I’m only getting paid for four days that period. Plus, the days of my suspension is right smack between days off which would mean 8 to 9 days of no work. My team lead tried to cheer me up by making it sound like a vacation package, but I wouldn’t be easily consoled.

I dragged my poor spirits and weary body to the nearest Starbucks post shift, begrudging the extra expense. This incident caused me to take a closer look at my current state of things. Clearly, I can not afford not to have a job. I need to be a step ahead, since, termination is not an option, and I can not promise that I will not be committing another risk, since, it seems that this compliance thing is a device that is set to trap poor hardworking agents into pit falls to shave off commissions or to fast track saying goodbye to the account.

A lot of things went through my mind, none of them cheery. What to do with the 8 days off work? I love my job, and I would love to see myself growing with the company, but in the light of recent circumstances, I need to re plan and re strategize.

One: First and foremost, I am not really happy with my basic wage. I made do with what I had and was planning to tuck tenureship under my belt for future leverage, and this incident brought back the issue of how I live from pay date to pay date with my basic pay.

Two: It feels unfair and harsh. As if it’s not enough to be stripped of my hard earned commission, I needed to be subjected to more by not getting paid for the next five days on a sales compliance technicality. Plus, considering I am a probi agent on a learning curve, and yet the DA being applied to me is that for tenured agents. It does not seem fair. On top of that, it would make me fail not only compliance, but also my sales metric for the month. I asked my team lead if she can at least schedule the suspension at a more reasonable time but she said there is nothing she could do about it. It has to be immediate. Which, I very much doubt.

Three: With the above mentioned, it demotivates me. The best solution to my mind is not to sell. No sale, no compliance. At least, in the score cards, I only would fail the sales metrics, keep the compliance tucked in, and secure not being terminated, until clearing period of the D.A lapses after 60 days.

Four: It suddenly feels skulldrudgerous. I work hard and even if I am merely probi for less than three months on the floor, I have consistently exceeded the goal, even besting tenured agents on the floor. With the way things are, the lurking sours in my mind won’t go away very easily.

Five: I need to rethink my options.

Bottom line, and the solution to my problem – hit the job market before it’s too late.

I texted friends there and then for possible referrals, went on line and updated my resume. Great thing is, not one of them believed I deserved it. They know me and my job ethics and work attitude. YJ's text meant a lot to me. It lifted me up and spread some cheer and warmth amdist the gloom.

"Ok. ur 1 of d most rational person ive met. so clearly cla ang mali... but then kung crporate policy ang basehan, wala kang laban. lets talk bout dis son..."

One other friend said:

"Naku, ganyan talaga sa BPO. Suspension lang naman pala eh, u still have your job, it's not termination. Then again, ikaw pala yan. I'm talking to Luis Batchoy nga naman pala. Pristine work record, and immaculate work track! Mea Culpa... sige, will keep an open ear... pasabihan kita agad."

someone else said:

"From the get go I already told you not to sign the contract. It pays too low, but you said you wanted it coz it challenges you and its where Charmita works at, too. U deserve better. I agree... look around!"

After all, I have 8 days to walk in and go on job interviews, which I think, I would land. Bigger fishes out there for bigger basic pay, which I believe, would require the same hard work that I know I can give and perform. Maybe consider and off ops position like communications coach, or maybe trainer posts. After all, my bond period has been satisfied, and I can pre-empt termination scenarios, before the brush-fire blazes. I need a company that would work with me, not against me. A company that would nurture my strengths and build my career, not set up stumbling blocks.

Therefore, I am on the prowl. Any suggestions and vacancies would be greatly appreciated. Text me, please. The batchoyan in Manila can not afford to close down.

Watch me soar! Help me defy gravity!

Photo/Video Credits:

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Color Coding


I have a world shattering problem. Sobrang bigat at hirap at kumplikado I swear.

I'm in a dilemma! There is this ka eklatan in the office tomorrow. In celebration of the supposed to be non-existent Valentine's Day, there was a memo. Tomorrow, February 12,2010, everyone should be dressed in color codes reflective of their romantic status. No exceptions.

RED If you are in a Relationship, Married, or simply in love

Green if you are single and searching/looking.

Yellow if it's complicated

MEGA KNOWN? May paganun ganun na prime factorization chuvanells?

Well...Now what?

I wanna wear red, because really, I'm in a relationship. A good one! With my whole gorgeous self! It's still a relationship right? Also, I'm married to my passions and convictions. I'm literature's blushing groom, and yes, I am perpetually in love! Im in love with life, with words, with coffee, and the world is, after all its shittiness, a deeper shade of scarlet! So, yes, I'm a red!

I should wear green, because, yes, I am single, individually exceptional, and yes, I am searching, looking, waiting, wishing and hoping all rolled into one! Add to that, bitching, whinning, and sometimes, 'tantruming.' Besides, it suits me, green is just so 'bitter ocampo.'

And yellow, yes, it is complicated. I am a complex individual. Its complicated because it simply is. NUBAYAHN!

Wait lang.. parang ganito yata to eh...

Red as in Red Cross Dick Gordon

Green as in Green Team Gibo Teodoro

Yellow as in atay a yelo ribbon Noynoy Aquino

Honestly, wala pa rin akng mapipisil sa mga presidentiables na mga to. Simple lang. wala ni isa sa kanila ang merong solid platform tungkol sa usapin sa Sining at Kultura. Actually, dati nung si Toto Mar pa ang kumakandidato, naroon ako sa isa sa mga porum nya sa Iloilo for early harvests at bigla naman ako na turn off nung hindi nya masagot ang tanong ko kung ano meron sa plataporma nya tungkol sa literatura, kultura at sining. Maybe it's not a pressing concern, but then again, it has been most neglected. A solid leader needs to have all bases covered and since none of them has a solid national platform for culture and the arts, medyo wala pang tumitibang ng gaano sa puso ng batchoy boi. I am not asking for a Marie Antoinette, who, when told that the people no longer had bread to eat responded with a suplahdah 'then let them eat cake.' Gusto ko lang na meron syang magandang plataporma for culture and the arts. Yun lang naman.

Now... what to wear?



Or This?

Arghhh... Mag absent kaya ako? Tara... gala tayo bukas? hehehehe

Photo Credits:

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Another Bowl of Soup

Let’s face it… There is nothing more interesting in this world to talk about than… well sige, let’s give it a try muna, shall we?

Let’s start with work…

What can I say? Everything is quite good. Let’s be specific and discuss work in a more specific way. What can be more specific than to go metrics?
I’m on my fifth month and one last month after this and I will know if I get tenured or not. The month of December was the last month for being on transition, which leave January to March as the month for probationary status. Sad to say, I did not quite pass my scorecard for December, but, then again, none of us in the team did. At least I got an almost 2.75 score. The results for January are still pending, and that, is my first month score card as a probi-agent. The score cards are divided into major metrics with corresponding weights in points. A total of 85 points are up for grabs. My unofficial standings are as such:

Customer Satisfaction: Not only our team, but the whole site as well, suffers from this. I think I failed this metric. Very arbitrary so to speak, as one could get a score of 10 as an agent but get a final fail total if the client thinks otherwise of the whole department or the whole bank in sum total. I got a survey with all 10’s but got a final score of 2 just because the client did not agree to bank policies. Oh well… Moving on

Quality Score: With flying colors, shall I say? This is a score given by the team lead after monitoring calls from the agent. Out of a possible 120 points I got 105. So I guess I passed this metric.

Compliance: This is another arbitrary item. The compliance team in the US monitors from 0 to infinity number of calls per cut-off, and I only got one monitored call for compliance and unfortunately, it was a high-risk, so I failed this too.

Sales Points: I should say I passed this metric since my sales point was at 190% of the goal in the first cut-off and though the final cut-off score is still in the wings due to a site-wide recalculation, I would peg my final cut-off score at 120% of the goal, give or take, so I guess this is a pass.

Adherence: This includes AHT and attendance. With AHT, I was a bit high for my curve at 370+ from the 260+ goal, but my attendance was no problem, although there were two days that I got unplanned absences that I promptly applied Sick Leaves for upon my return with proper medical certificates, I would say this one is a fail, for worst case scenario computations.

Professionalism: In my last score card, my team lead gave me a passing 3 out of 5. I believe that my performance has greatly increased and all my Action Plans have been met so I guess this will either be a pass 3 or an improvement 4 for January.

And the bottom line: I do not really know, it is all really up in the air. I hope to pass but if not, well, I gave it my best, and I am looking forward to the prime pay this pay day, and that’s that for the moment.

WAS THAT FUN? Hmmm… Nah, let’s try something else…

Friends and personal life:

Where to start? I guess work has basically cut out what my days would be. I get up a 9 am, prepare myself breakfast, which would usually be a cup of coffee, some cereals or oats, then prepare my stuff for work. Get showered, get dressed, grab a jeep, grab an MRT, and punch in. After shift, it’s either a smoke or two, drop by a coffee shop, if and when I feel like it, grab dinner to go on the way, then, take a quick shower, eat dinner slumped in front of the TV watching DVD’s or check my mails, blog hop, or write poems, when the fancy strikes, then read a chapter or two of this Andrew Greeley novel that I belabor but committed to finish. Basically that’s what a typical day would go like.

Of course there are petty distractions. A good text session with one or two persons, whom, I know, won’t go anywhere. I know me. I can not have a ‘textual’ relationship. Well… what else? The MRT rides, oh well… Hehehehe…

You know what I mean. There are those mornings with meaningless strangers in the MRT. The quick little bumps and grinds I would get - the silly nudge and brushes, and of course, the more brazen ones who would cop a feel of my morning woody, or blow hot puffs on my neck. Well…

Oh and of course Charmita and her gloom and doom office story of how heads are rolling because the account is downsizing. From the get-go, once I learned she would not be among those who would get kicked out, the story just got boring and I do not really give a hoot with everyone’s tale of woe as long as she is secure, that’s all I care to know.

And then the rest days - I would get off Saturday evening, head over to a nearby Starbucks branch and have my celebratory mug for a week well spent, walk awhile in the gimmick spot, and then head back home for some glorious sleep. Lately, I do not relish going out on rest days. A quick look at my bank account tells me this should be the rule. I am saving up for my Vacation Leave to go back to Iloilo, so I bid goodbye to my vagabond shoes for the moment. Rest days, therefore are bonding days with my pillows and thin foam on the floor.

Friends? They are busy with some things else, and are a source of disappointment for meet ups recently. I know. Life gets in the way, so, no plans, no disappointments, right?

On other endeavors, I have decided to take up Masters in UP Open University. I know the deadline for first semester applications would be end of February, but I am still waiting for my papers from Iloilo, so I guess that’s that for now.

As for the writing, I am also waiting for the launch of the coffee table book, and an informal invitation to go to Baguio and read a few of my poems for the Writers Night during the Panagbenga Festival, but I am not so hopeful about it either.

Idle hands they say are the devils work shop, but then, I have basically kept my hands to myself. I chuckle at bubbly co-workers ranting about their having too little time for everything. What tops the charts off of course is the impending commercialized sway of this one day of licensed debauchery and unparalleled cheesy cheesecake saccharine overload romantic hullabaloo… IZTAP IN THE NEYM OF LOURVE! The Balenstayms day! It is such a blessing/curse that the day falls on a rest day, and for the rest of the populace in my team, it’s a sign from the heavens to pick up the pace and beat the deadline. Some are overcome by the mania, and not a few people have resolved to ask someone else out, or, out of the blue, become emboldened and finally pop the question ‘Tayo na ba?’ Oh well…

My plans exactly? If only I had any decent cooking utensils, I plan to cook me my legendary pasta dish, make a quick blueberry cheesecake, brew some caffeinated potion, grab a good ‘end of the world cataclysmic’ movie, and have me a dine-in valentines night. And the sex, you ask… well… “Hi wer u? D Lst tym was swell, ker 4 a re-run?” Or maybe a quick “Ei, changed my mind abt not fckng around n luking for sumting serious, is ur offer still valid?” Or maybe “Hi, I’m reconsidering that 3sum, but just to be clear, I’m top. Directions please.” Ahmmmm….Nah… This explains why my cellphone bills suddenly dropped by 30 percent. I do not reply anymore, nor do I send wala lang texts. I’m tempted to buy a big wash basin, some detergent and fabric conditioner, then do the laundry. I know it would save Laundromat expenses, but, in this apartment, where to hang the laundry? More importantly, ironing eats up electricity and it would be such pains, so, No.

Therefore… as it looks, Valentines Day will be nothing more than just another day. By the way, Pope Paul VI had decreed in Paschalia Mysterii that St. Valentine, the supposed patron of Valentine's Day has been stricken out of the list of Catholic saints, along with St. Nicholas (Santa Claus) Saint Christopher (The Safety Medallion Patron) Saint Patrick (The Dragon Slayer) Saint Catherine of Alexandria (The Virgin and Martyr) simply because there is no proof as to their existence. Therefore, Saint Valentine's Day is non-existent! Bitterness much? This year, I will not sweat it. Not even an excuse that “I’m having a date. A date with the Lord.” Another day, another bowl of soup. Unless…

Photo Credits:

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Big Crash and Manic Mondays

The Big Crash

Here’s a pre-valentine post. I am all gushy and shitty as I type this entry. This is about the big crash. My big kahuna! Let’s just call him Dokie Oinkie.

We met at a Grand Eyeball Party of a certain channel in the mirc way way way back forever. Even though I was based in Iloilo, I was a regular and later on became an operator for the channel. When a Grand Eyeball was organized, I sailed off to the City of Man. I was supposed to be seeing someone that night. He was supposed to see someone else too, but the evening got the better of the both of us, and the attraction was undeniably palpable, he ended up flirting with me, emboldened by alcohol. We ended up kissing and he ended up dragging me to the rooftop of the place, ended up sucking me there and then. It was carnal emotions!

From there, we would meet up, while I was in Manila. Being the young gullible and promdi guy I was, he would pick me up, and we would go wherever, kissing and necking all the way. When finally he took me home one night, it was pure bliss. It is etched in my memory. I still remember the checkered bed sheet, four pillows, one long bolster pillow, blue electric fan, large digital alarm clock, and his smack gown neatly hanged in one corner. His kisses set me on fire, and the world is one blur of passion singeing our very souls. The only thing he did not allow me to do is to penetrate him. He has this bull crap about denying entrance, by saying that the only time he would give it up, is at that time when it would mean forever. This – him and me: us. Yeah! Blah – but the next day would be the one singular moment that every other significant moment for me would be measured against. To this very day, it is as clear as sunlight, unaltered by time.

We had to grab a cab when morning came. He had to go to the hospital for his medical internship at that time and the folks back at where I was staying might be wondering where I was already. He asked the cab to drop him off in front of the emergency entrance of the hospital. Sige na nga. It was at Cardinal Santos. He then asked the driver to wait a bit and asked me to walk him to the entrance. I got off, and walked him towards the entrance. I do not mind being predisposed to PDA’s and would gladly oblige a quick peck goodbye but nothing prepared me for what happened next. Right there, in the middle of everything, in plain sight, and in broad daylight, he grabbed my shoulders, squeezed me closer to him, and gave me one long, hot, passionate kiss goodbye. The world melted into oblivion. Up to this very date, this remains the sweetest most romantic thing anyone ever did for me, rivaled only by an ex who wrote a whole song for me.

In the course of the next few months, my heart swell and fell with hope and desperation. He got back with his toxic significant other, whom he was on a cool-off period when we met. His partner abuses him physically, and the distance between us was a big factor for the eventual failure of what ever there was between us. There were talks of him moving somewhere closer to where I was but that never materialized, and there was even a time when the partner would badger me and call me, pestering me with irate messages. Sadly, I was fighting a one-sided battle.

Over the years, we would lose contact and manage to find our way back to each other by strikes of luck or pure coincidence. No matter how long the intervening years, we would still manage to find a way to get back in contact, either by him stumbling upon me, me stumbling upon him, or a fortuitous event that would bring us back together in contact. It feels like I have known him half of my life even though the total number of hours we spent together may even be just enough for a whole day and some spill over hours. All these years, every single reconnection felt as intense and as sizzling as the one before. It’s as if the years in between simply faded away with every scorching touches and soul rending kisses every time we reconnect. It feels like that Ashton Kutcher movie. A lot like love. All this time we still carried the torch for each other. The relationships we both had in between never made the feeling go away. I must admit that I had loved more than what I felt for him or could ever even imagine or come close to. I had bigger tsunamis, and all are but vanishing embers, but that flame for him never wavered. It still blazes strong. He remains to be my big kahuna and me, his big crash!

This last time, I must admit that one consuming thought I carried with me to Manila is the off chance of us meeting again under favorable circumstances. I did actively search for his number and left him messages in his YM even if he was mobile. The months passed me by, and the sinking feeling intensified. Maybe we ran out of luck this time – maybe the last time was really the last – maybe, as the song goes, there’d be no falling stars this time around. Not until today. We found each other once more.

I confirmed then that he still has this flame burning bright as well… It never went away. All this time I keep asking myself: If there is nothing to this, why would it simply not quit? Why would it still continue to haunt me? Why? Why for this very long is it still as vivid and alive as that first night when greater loves I had, given and received, are all but blurs? Why can’t we bring ourselves to accept that maybe, just maybe, this is home – that this is what’s meant to be? Why do we keep tempting fate and running our lucky draughts dry? He said I am someone he never had the strength to resist. I said I was also the one who was never enough for him to go for. I was always the other man, I said. I was always the better and finer man, he said. I was convenient I said. I was his big crash, he said. Once again, all these things come tumbling down, over and above my head, a dangerous tumultuous squall inside me.

If asked by people if we ever became us, I would answer no. It was never us. It was an affair. The reason is because, I never get back with my exes, not even remain friends with them. I cut clean with almost surgical precision and burn bridges – No somewhere down the road shit for me. At that, if it never was us, he never was an ex, and the rule does not apply to him. Inclusio unius est exclusio alterius. What is not included is excluded.

If asked by people if there was ever an ‘us’, he would say that there was never not an ‘us.’ There would always be an ‘us.’

And so it comes to this – MONDAY. As we both would have it, we would be meeting up on Monday. En route, we both said we missed each other at least three times, and the phone call we had ended in us trading ‘I Love You’s’ almost simultaneously. He made a promise. This time, he’s giving it up. The once denied entry is now a guarantee. NOW WHAT? Destiny beckons… perhaps… Monday!

SO There... Monday

But then again... Monday


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