Yes, you. I know that you know who you are. I know you read my blog.
This is how you got my number, right? This is how you knew I was in
was lonely. This is how you knew how big your chances were with me.
You knew from my blog. I was vocal about how I prefer the chubby guys. You knew how my heart would skip should I see your cute little chinky eyes disappear when you laugh. You knew the topics you’d be discussing with me. You got me all figured out. Did you rehearse a song and dance number to go along with your little caper with me?
You were always asking me when I will get to write about you here. I was delaying gratification. You were my best kept secret. I kept you in my heart and soul. Just for my own private consumption. Mine alone. I did not want to tell the world how your hugs set me aflame, or how your kisses tastes like sun ripened sweet luscious mangos. How, my heart longed for you to be mine alone. How my spirits yearn for you, and how my soul shouts your name. But to write about you here would be blasphemous perhaps. So I stopped my fingers each time I would be tempted to tell the world at large. I tempered my keyboard.
You know what? It’s weird. I planned to introduce you this way. With an entry that would be epistolary. A ‘hey you... entry’. Sooner or later something’s got to give. I was planning to either open you up to the world as my birthday present, or a sinful Lenten perdition. Funny, it’s a hey you, that I now write about you.
Maybe you weren’t able to read the latest entries about my suspension, or if you did pay attention to my texts, you wouldn’t have guessed that, of all places, I would be were I was that day. I was even a bit excited to go for the job offer that my friend referred me to, because, then I would be closer where you work. I did not tell you because I did not want to count my chicks before they hatch.
Now I come to realize. Yeah, right, you had to work last Valentines. I’m sure. Then again, who am I to demand? We are not really we, and there is no ‘us’ yet really. So I guess I was right for holding back a bit. When I saw you there, you were your wonderful self - so smartly dressed and really gorgeous. I stifled the urge to call out your name. I wanted to sneak up on you and just grab you from behind and hold you as if in horseplay. So I tried to get to sneak up from behind you. What I saw was clear as daylight. You were holding his hand, behind your backs, in the same way I would hold yours. Just by the pinkie fingers. So, you applied my style eh. Picked up a little something from me? How sweet.
So I walked past you, took a look back at you two, smiled and walked faster away. I saw the terror in your eyes. Don’t worry; I’m not one to make a scene. Not ever. As the song goes, I’ll never let you see, the way my broken heart is hurting me. I got my pride and I know how to hide all my sorrow and pain... Now all I need is a good rainy night.
Thank you, at least, for being honest with me when we talked. So he was your boyfriend. Even before you met me, he was there. So you got confused. At first you were just planning to get to know me, and then you got carried away. You were caught between goodbye and I love you, so you said. Then you got confused with whom to say goodbye to. You got mixed up in deep shit. You said sorry. I then asked you if you understood the concept of ‘void ab initio?’
Thank you, for making me realize what I’m really made of. To be very honest with you, they were very tempting proposals that you propositioned. To either give you time to break it up with him, or to be your third wheel. You know what; I swallowed a big lump in my throat. God, it would be very hard to decide, so I asked you to give me time to think.
Honestly, I would miss your tight embraces. Your sultry kisses, and the sweet longing with which you make love to me. How the very scent of you approaching makes me giddy and all clammy, and how the very sound of your voice calling out my name turns me solid steel. How you seem to know the perfect way to steer my moods no matter what or how my day has been. How you read back my poems to me like the persona’s voice is yours from the very first drop of ink. How you struggled to learn my language, so you could properly say you miss me, you want me, you love me.
How ironic, that we’re seemed to be through before we can even get started. You see, you were slack in your research and your readings. You forgot one vital thing. I was looking for someone decent, because I too, am decent. Being third wheel is nowhere near what I stand and believe in. I believe in love. I believe in fidelity. I respect relationships.
So, now, hey, you... I am hitting two birds with one stone. No actually, three, with this post.
First bird – I finally got to write about you... yes, you... in this blog.
Second bird – I have thought about it. Actually, when we talked, I already knew my answer. I was just afraid I wouldn’t hear myself above the din and the racket of the squall in my heart.
I’m sorry. I love you. Really, I do, but, no. Even if we were never us yet. I really do. Trust me. I do not doubt that you feel the same way. I know you do, too. I felt it. But I also know how it feels, and I have been in your boyfriend’s shoe, and it’s not a very nice place to be in, even if it would be a Prada. I know you can just shrug your shoulders and move on to your next prospect, but no sir, not me.
Third Bird – You remember how I laughed at how pathetic some songs could be? How I think I will never get to sing those songs? Songs like ‘Somewhere down the road” because I really don’t believe in a somewhere whichever road may be, because I believe in the ‘right here, right now?’ Or that song, ‘Sad to belong to someone else,’ because I said that if I belonged to someone else, no matter what, he will remain the right one? And yes, that song “I love you, Goodbye,” because I think it’s just a pathetic lyrical coward’s way out? Another way of saying ‘It’s me’ not you?’ I guess I’m wrong. I might be singing it after all.
Maybe this is the appropriate time to sing that song. For someone that you almost had, but was never really yours. Almost! So, yes, I love you goodbye. But it’s really you, not me. Or rather, it would be something like... you put on quite a show, really had me going, now its time to go, curtains finally closing, that was quite a show, very entertaining....