Love is Lovelier

Lunes

Nagpapahinga lang ako sa bahay. Nagbabasa-basa ng kung anu-ano. Kakalabas ko lang sa Ospital at Doctor's Orders ang at least 3 days full rest. Wag muna daw akong magpakapagod at pumasok sa work. Sa tutoo lang, hindi naman ako talaga masyadong nakapagpahinga sa ospital. Maya-maya kang ginagambala ng nurses, tinuturukan ng kung anu-ano, kinukuhanan ng dugo, pinapainom ng gamot, kinukunan ng Vital Signs etc etc etc, so I welcomed the rest orders.

Tunog ng tunog ang cellphone ko sunod sunod. Puro text messages.

"Asan ka friend? I really need to talk to you."

"Nasa Ospital ka pa ba? Pasensya na but I'm really confused I need to talk to you."

"Papunta na akong ospital, anong room number ka nga ulit.?"

Hindi ako makareply. Redirected ang cellphone ko at yun lang ang kaisa-isang number ko, Hindi ko pa kasi nababayaran ang bill dahil nga naospital nga ako at balak ko naman bayaran siguro bukas so hindi ako makapagreply. Mabuti tumawag.

"Hello. my name is Brendan! How may I help you today?"

Si J. Kaibigan ko. Matagal na. So yun. Sinabi ko na nasa bahay lang ako nagpapahinga. Kailangan daw nya akong makausap. Syempre ako naman nagworry. Ano ba kasi yun? Basta daw. Dadaanan nya raw ako sa bahay. Magbihis na daw ako. Magkakape kami. Eh syempre ako naman, madaling kausap at basta kailangan ng kaibigan I will be there. Isa pa, hindi nga rin naman ako muna papasok sa work kaya wide open ang schedule ko. I haven't had coffee din naman with J for a long time, at one week din ako sa ospital. So yun. Nagbihis ako. After 30 minutes, dumating na si J. Sakay na ako sa kotse nya. Saan ba daw? Sabi ko, ikaw, saan ba? Sabi magkape daw may ikukunsulta lang sya. So yun. Go! Kape!

Nung nasa coffee shop na kami, medyo maingay. Na self conscious sya at medyo hindi conducive mag usap dun. Sabi ko, road trip na lang kami. Bumili kami ng chips and soda. Gaya ng nakagawian naming wala lang. Magdadrayb lang papunta sa kung saan, usap, hihinto sa gilid ng plaza na maliwanag, usap usap ganun. Nanotice ko na balisang balisa sya. Inaantay ko lang na sya magstart kung ano ang problema. Hinayaan ko lang ang pacing nya. Drayb lang. Tumunog ang cellphone nya.

"Hello! K! Wait lang, I'm with my best friend. I just want to talk to him muna. I will call you later okay?" Tinigil nya sa gilid ang sasakyan. Buntong-hininga at sobrang lalim na hugot na paghinga. Alam ko na agad. Si K! Si K na sobrang minahal nya. Si K na hindi mawala wala sa buhay nya. Si K! Ang ex nya na nagdedefine ng pagkalaki laking EX! The one that got away! So yun, alam ko na agad ang problema.

"J, akina ang susi. Ako na magdadrayb. You look distracted. Mahirap na. Gabi na at hindi masyadong mailaw ang daanan." "No, Luis ako na. I will focus. Yung right wrist mo, hindi pa magaling yan. Di ba jan pinadaan ang tube for your Coronary Angiogram? Eh nanghihina pa yan at masakit sabi mo di ba?" "Hindi naman natin bibiglain ang kabig at kambyo eh. Chill lang tayo, right? Kesa naman sa yo na distracted di ba? At nang makapagkwento ka freely. Sige na. Ako na magdadrayb. Besides, I miss driving din." Pumayag na rin sya at palit kami ng pwesto. Hinayaan ko lang sya magsimula. Drayb lang ng drayb. And after a while, he started.

"Si K kasi, Luis."

I thought so! Alam ko na! Nakikipagbalikan si K. At syempre nga, itong si J, too weak to resist. The One That Got Away nga di ba? Natawa ako sa sarili ko.

"Alam mo J, thank you! Sa dinamidami ng mga kaibigan natin ako talaga? Ako talaga na pinakatanga at pinakabobo pagdating sa ganyang usapin? Ako talaga na hindi makuha-kuhang magkaroon ng disente at pangmatagalang relasyon? Ako talaga na bitter bitteran at emote-emotan? At ako talaga  na hindi naniniwala sa letcheng 'somewhere down the road' na yan! Ako talaga na hindi naniniwala sa letcheng second chances. Kaloka ka!"

"Kaya nga ikaw eh! Ikaw na pinakabitch. Ikaw na pinakaderetso at prangka! Ikaw na alam kong hindi ako eetchusin sa sasabihin. Ikaw na out of the box! Ikaw na laging nandyan. At tigilan ako sa press release na bitter! If I know! Ikaw ang pinakahard core hopeless romantic shmuck na kilala ko sa buong mundo at kahit pa impyerno at sampu ang pinagdaanan mo, naniniwala ka pa rin sa letcheng pag-ibig na yan!"

Natahimik ako. May point sya.

So yun nga. Nakikipagbalikan nga si K sa kanya. Hinayaan ko lang magkwento si J. Kung paanong sa dami na nang nagdaang mga pag-iibigan at pagsusugal sa iba't-ibang mga kapareha, hindi pa rin nila makuhang magkalimutan. Kung papaanong ilang palit na ng numero, ilang 'pagkawala' na. nahahanap pa rin nila ang isa't isa. At nagkakaugnayan pa din silang dalawa.

Napangiti ako. Naaalala ko. Meron din akong ganun. Yung tipong inisip ko na if we can't get rid of each other, then maybe, there must be something about us that's hardier than you or me. Yung ganung shit! Yung kahit lima, pito, sampung taon ang mamagitan, nahahanap at nahahanap pa rin namin ang isa't isa. Ang pinagkaiba lang, yung sa akin, wala na. Ako na talaga ang nagtapos sa lahat ng posibilidad. Ayoko nang maging pabitin sa ere at maging Hopiang Munggo. It's a loss, too bad. Ganun. Nakarelate ako at naintindihan ko. I was there for J the whole time. Hay!

"So, what do you think, Luis?" tanong ni J.

"Kilala mo ko. I don't believe in second chances. I do not even make friends with my exes. I cut clean.With surgical precision. I'm a pyromaniac! I burn bridges! You know that!"

"Kaya nga eh! Kaya nga ikaw ang gusto kong kausapin about it. Naguguluhan ako! I honestly believe na nagbago na nga talaga kaming pareho! Ramdam ko Luis. Andun pa din yung pagmamahal. Ewan ko! I'm so confused!"

"J, ikaw lang talaga ang makakasagot ng tanong mo na yan. Ikaw talaga ang magdedecide nyan. Handa ka bang masaktan ulit ng bonggangbongga to the max raised to the nth power?"

Buntong-hininga.

"Alam mo, hindi talaga ako naniniwala sa ganyan, pero ako yun. Iba naman ikaw. I want you to be happy. If there is something I believe in, it's that, for a shot at happiness, everything is worth it. Alam ko madami na tayong panlalait sa kagaguhan ng K na yun, pero kung talagang mahal nyo pa ang isa't isa, eh ganun eh. May tanong lang ako. Sa tingin mo ba, kaya mo syang mahalin for a fresh new reason? Yung hindi glow na galing lang sa past?"

"Yun na nga yun Luis eh. Hindi ko kasi ma associate sa past itong kung anong meron kami. Parang nag evolve sya. Nag mutate. In a good way. Parang walang bearing ang past. Parang mahal ko sya in a brand new fresh way. You know what I'm saying?"

Ngumiti na lang ako. Huminto kami sa gilid ng Miag-ao Church Plaza. Usap usap. Balitaan kulitan. Time out muna kay K. Inurirat nya ang buhay pag-ibig ko, na as if, hindi sya updated. Pinagtawanan namin si Behbeh. Kinalokahan namin si Dark Chocolate, at binuyo-buyo nya ako kay Katorse. Ay naku!

"See? Ako na ang pinakatanga pagdating dyan. Hindi ko alam sa yo ba't ka sa akin humihingi ng advise eh ni hindi ko nga alam anong gagawin sa sarili kong kaletchehan sa pag-ibig na yan eh!"

"Luis, pahug!"

Yakap ng mahigpit! Hay! Pag-ibig nga naman talaga.

"Pahiram ng phone mo. May kailangan akong replyan. Redirected ako eh. Saka, iihi lang ako dun sa may medyo madilim na part."

Inabot nya ang cellphone nya. Hinanap ko yung number na gusto kong tawagan. Pagbalik ko, nagyaya na akong bumalik ng city.

"Tara, baka wala nang tao sa coffeshop. I need coffee J."

"Sige, let's go. Hayaan na natin si K muna! Hay!"

Smile.

"Luis, thank you."

"Walang anuman J. Go! Whatever your decision is, I'm all for it. Andito lang ako lagi for you! As I have always been!"

"Akala ko ba hindi ka naniwala sa balikan eksena."

"Kaibigan mo ako. Para sa yo, maniniwala ako sa gusto mong paniwalaan ko. Kung ayaw mo na talaga, sabihin mo. Baka may maisip pa tayong mas matinding way para matapos na yang kagaguhan mo."

Medyo sumeryoso ng konti ang mukha nya.

"Pero kung gusto mong balikan si K, Go! Push! Cheer leader-leader ako! Maniniwala ako for your sake! I want you to be happy! Magkaiba tayo. Malay mo. Mas maswerte ka sa second chances na yan kesa sa akin. Baka ako lang naman talaga kasi ang malas sa putang inang pag-ibig na yan! At kung palpak ulit yan, aba'y expertise natin yan!"

Sabay kaming bumigkas!

"I-DABDA na YAN!"

Hahahahaha.

Pagkapark sa Coffee Shop, tinignan ko si J, Kalmado lang. Lakad lang papunta sa paborito naming mesa. Bigla nya akong hinawakan sa kamay ng mahigpit.

"Luis! Shit! Si K!"

Smile lang ako.

"So? Ano? Tuloy ba tayo o back-out?" Huminto ako sandali sa paglalakad para bigyan sya ng chance magdecide.

"Luis... I want to... eh pero... ikaw?"

"Gaga, may pangtaxi ako! Bukas, next day, sa weekend, next week. We have all the time and chance no! Ano ka ba!"

Yumakap ng mahigpit sa akin si J.

"GO! Reach out for your happiness! Cheerleader-leader ako! PUSH!"

Nagsimulang humakbang papuntang coffeeshop si J. Binalik ko sa kanya yung car keys nya. Nilingon nya ako.

"GO! I'm proud of you!" Smile.

Pinagmasdan ko sya habang inayos-ayos ang sarili. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw K sa mesa namin. Ngumiti nang pagkatamis tamis nung nakita nya si J. Hinanap nya kung nasaan ako. I saw him look at me. Sinenyasan ko ng rakenrol! Make my friend happy tangina ka!

Ako na ang pakialamero. Ako na ang tumawag at nag set-up na pumunta sya dun para magkita sila.
Ako na ang putanginampakshet na hindi naniniwala sa second chances, pero para sa kaibigan ko, maniniwala ako. Ako na ang letchenghinayupak na hopeless romantic shmuck!

At ako na ang magtataxi pauwi!

Pasok sa Jar - The Top 10 List

HELLER!

As usual, hindi na naman napanindigan ang pangakong magbabalik-loob sa blogspot! Kasi, kasi, kasi! Well, hindi na ako mageexplain, labyu!

Ayun, dahil Sunday at dahil rest day ko, yes rest day - wag naman day-off napaka-very very chimini-ah-ah-ish naman ng day-off, so yun rest day. Nakipagchikahan ako sa mga friendships ko. At dahil unang araw ng Pebrero, ano pa nga ba THE DEADLINE!

So yun! Dahil ako nga ay single ulit, at dahil isyu yun sa mga mahadera kong mga kaibigan, ako ang napagdiskitahan! Kasi nga daw, ang arte-arte ko! Kesyo ang taas taas daw ng standards ko! Kesyo pihikan ako! Kesyo andali-dali ko daw maturn-off. Excuse me! Mukhang yung mga naging ex ko yata ang dinidescribe nyo at hindi ako. Oh so ganun na nga - at dahil dun, nabuyo ako ng mga hitad na magsulat ng Top Ten List! The Pasok sa Jar Edition.

Sa tutoo lang, dapat kasi Top Ten List ito ng mga kung ano ang kinaliligwak ng mga possible chorva. o yung mga pet peeves ko. Pero dahil ako ay Customer Service Rep, dapat positive scripting daw tayey, kaya instead Top Ten ng Mga Signs and Symptoms na Pasok ka sa Jar ni Batchoy!

In other words - namumuro ka na! At pwede mo nang ma Bingo ang matamis na OO ng basagan at luhaang puso ng makatang itey! CHARAUGHTTE LANG!

Syempre dapat non-physical kasi heller, alam na ng madlang universe na bisexual ako at alam na nilang lahat na pag sa lalaki, ayoko ng straight, at mahilig ako sa chubby, singkit, matangkad, maputi, slightly mabalahibo, maganda at bilugan ang binti, and all that jazz. At kung girl naman, mahilig ako sa fuss-free no make up, maganda ang lips, maganda ang mata, malaki ang boobs, (sahreh naman) slightly mas matangkad ako dapat sa kanya, maganda ang smile, at medyo morena. So wit na yang mga yan. Dun daw tayo sa mga non-physical aspects.

So without further ado, itey na! Ang Top 10 Pasok sa Banga List ng Batchoy! In no particular order:

CHARMELLE! BUKSAN NA!

#10

Artsy-Fartsy Ek

Music lover ka? Nagdodrowing? Struggling Indie Artist? Tumiteatro? Or may nakatago ka lang skills in the arts na hindi mo inilalabas-labas at cloistered shit ang drama? Malamang sa malamang, teh! Mabebet kita at nakakadagdag yan sya ng mga 10,000,000 Pasok sa Jar points sa yo! Yung tortured soul shit! Mga ganun ganung drama! At mas na kapag nacomplement ng shit mo ang mga poems shit ko sa buhay jusko! Mangangarap na ako kung paano tayong mabubuhay na nagdidildil ng asin at umaasa sa shit nating mga art para mabuhay, samantalang inuulam ang letcheng pag-ibig na syang nagka-catapult sa atin sa ating mga sariling artistic greatness! CHARAUGHTTE LANG! Wiz ko bet ang mamatay na dilat sa gutom, pero how bohemian romantic shit daba? So yun! Bet ni Batchoy ang artistic shit kaya hashtag alam na!

#9  

Humor-pa-more Amore!

Kung pasok sa akin ang humor mo kahit nakakairita at jologs! Alam na this! Ewan ko ba! Malapit sa puso ko ang humor bones ko! I remember an ex. Sobrang waley na nakakairita mag-joke pero hindi ko alam kung bakit! Napapatawa nya ako at bet na bet ko ang mga kakornihan nyang jokes na nakakainsulto sa aking intelligence, pero natutuwa ako! Kaloka da ba? Pero tested and proven! Pag nahuli mo ang humor ko, malamang sa malamang, lyamado ka neng! Pakak na pakak ka jan! Swak ka sa Jar ng Batchoy! Hindi ko rin alam kung paano o anong pormula, pero basta! Trademark ng mga nakakainlaban ko yang shit na yan! They are all able to make me laugh - and of course, make me cry like hell in the end. Yun nga ang shit dun eh. Pero ganun! Basta! If I find myself laughing at your silly jokes at pagbentang benta sakin ang humor mo, malamang teh! Pasok sa Jar!

KAINAN NA!

#8 

Pick my brains

Hindi naman kailangang MENSA levels teh! Hindi naman kailangang mala-thesis defense or argumentation and debate ang leveling ng usapan teh, ayoko naman ng ganun. Pero kung naeengage mo ko ako sa usapan, at nakakapag-kape ako ng bonggang bongga pag kasama kita, malamang, bukas I love you na! Hindi naman kasi kailangan super-mega-duper opinionated ka to the Political Analyst o Commentator level. Yung tipong nachachallenge ang mga brain cells ko at naeengage ako sa usapan, kahit hindi naman intelektwal ang pinag-uusapan, keribam na! Mas maganda nga yung diverse ang topics natin. Masaya din yung marunong mag open ng topic. Yung ever slightly, kahit hindi ko bet, ay nakakahanap ng hook para mag-usap at madala sa lebel ng diskusyon ang topic kahit pa ang original na pinagmulan ay ang letcheng dambuhalang cake sa Dong-Yan Wedding. Yung mga ganun! Tapos yung may mga witty na sundot na mapapa-epiphany ako! Yung nakakasabay ako sa kahit anong topic nya at nasasabayan nya ang mga topics ko, yung ganun! YUNG RARE NA TRAIT na ganun! Bet na bet ko din, over and above a good conversationalist, is a good listener! Yung kayang irecapitulate ang gist ng mga nasabi ko na. Ayoko naman sa paintelektwal na condescending, kasi in fairness, hindi naman ako nag-gaganun! Basta, if I look forward to speaking with you again, alam na yan! In fact, most of my successful dates started out with long lengthy engaging and pleasurable discussions. Discussions teh, hindi arguments. Yung tipong I will not notice the time at hindi yung, after a few exchanges magsasabi na lang ako na, 'tara pahinga na tayo! Check in na lang?'

Yung ganun! Intellectual orgasm! Seriously, nauuna ang utak ko mainlab kesa sa puso ko at mas nauunang labasan ang utak ko kesa kay Luisito ko!

# 7 

Nocturnal

Medyo shallow sa unang tingin pero in the long run, malaking factor ito. Nocturnal ako, at hindi ko bet ang niyayayang mag breakfast or mag morning walk along the beach. Malamang sa malamang maiimbyernakels ako pag ganun! Well, hindi naman kailangan ma match ang kanocturnalan ko kasi sa true lang, bisyo ko ang paunahing matulog ang partner at pagmasdan lang at pakinggan ang kanyang mga mamusikang snores habang tulog sya sa mga bisig ko! Cinematic movie scene shit ba!

Pero seriously, medyo hirap ako sumabay pag morning person ang partner. Feeling ko, in the end, hindi ako masyadong makapag-participate sa buhay nya kasi nga, magkaiba kami ng time-zone! Yung dramang super cheery morning sunny-sunshine shit sya tapos ako bangag bangag pa sa kulang sa tulog. It does factor a lot nga for me. Lalo na yung mga aktibidades na gusto kong gawin ay nocturnal din in nature. Well ibang usapan naman na yan kung halimbawang out of town trip na mga week-ender shit na ganun. Pwede naman na yun. Wag lang araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos, ay umagang tao sya samantalang ako ay tulog, at pag gising ako , waley na sya sa buhay. Yung ganung factor!

WIT MASHOKOT! MAKIBEKI!

#6

Maadbokasiya

Don't get me wrong! Hindi ko sinasabi na kailangang tibak sya! Hindi nya kailangan mag-rally enevrathing! Ayoko din sa *shivers* vulgar Marxist! Ayoko in fact sa *ist at *isms. Ang gusto ko lang, may adbokasiyang tao! Gusto ko lang may ginagawa sya sa buhay na ipinaglalaban nya. Gusto ko lang may nirerepresenta syang repressed, oppressed at marginalized! Gusto ko lang ang may vision for a better world. Yung may cause. Yung ganun teh! Hindi kailangang lider sya na dumadalo sa mga kung saan saang komperensya sa buong mundo (but not bad). Gusto ko lang in other words ng taong may paki - yung hindi DedMadela! Yung may pusong civic at advocate. Ganun! Kasi maadbokasiya din akong tao. Hindi naman kailangang magkapareho kami ng advocacies pero kung oo, ay eh di why not! Masaya di ba! Gusto ko may pinaglalaban sya at gusto kong ipaglaban nya ang aming karapatang magmahalan! CHAROZ LUCOS! Basta yun! Ayoko sa wapakels sa lipunan teh! Yung may socio-civic consciousness! Bengga ka sa akin pag ganun! Pasok sa Jar!

#5

Touchy touch touch

I'm a very tactile and touchy person. I often communicate with a lot of touch. Pasok ka sa jar kung touchy person ka! Bonus kung out ka at hindi takot sa PDA. Hindi ko naman sinasabing maglalaplapan tayey sa loob ng Manila Cathedral habang may hawak na Placard na LOVE KNOWS NO GENDER! Ligwak yun teh! Hindi naman kailangangan magchukchakchenes sa MRT - (pero hmmmmm exciting!) CHAUZE LANG! But you get my point. Mahilig ako sa physical stimulus. Pag gusto kita, hindi ko maiwasang hawakan ka, hipuan, yakapin, and... ganern! Hahahaha! And I enjoy receiving the same attention, so ayan, give-away na yan ha! If you date me and I allow you to touch me, or I touch you frequently, alam na this! Hehehehe. Special highlight on being OUT. Ang hirap hirap kaya magkajowa ng closet. basta mahirap sya. Yun na yun. Pag ako nagmamahal, hindi ko tinatago dahil what's the point! Ang kakisigan ko ay ineexpose, so bakit mo ko tinatago sa baul! Hindi ako naging out para lang jowain at gawing Yamashita Treasure no! Revel in the light! Ganern!

Fly me to the Moon

#4

Wanderlust Lagalag

Hindi naman kailangang Dora the Explorer ang leveling o mga Relic Hunter na peg! Yung may sense of Adventure lang okay na! Mas masaya kung mahilig sya maglakad. Kasi mahilig talaga ako maglakad! Bet na bet na bet na bet ko yung naglalakad ng hapon o early night time tapos nag-uusap lang kayo habang HHWW. Diba? Three birds in one stone? Yung ganern! Yun nga, yung may sense of adventure! Masaya yun! Yung hindi OC sa travel plans. Traveller nga naman, tapos super mega-duper orteh naman, na kesyo makati ang sheets, maliit ang banyo, hindi nasa tamang direksyon ang windows and all that jazz! Bonus na din kung inaallow nya na ako ang umupo sa window side seat! Hehehehe actually, pinagpapatayan ko tong window side seat na to! Hahahahaha! Mahilig ako mag travel. Out of nowhere, kahit mag-isa lang ako. Kaya alam na this ng mga kaibigan ko pag may nabalitaan silang kasama ko bumiyahe somewhere somewhere, hindi ako nakakapagdeny. Travel is sacred to me, and I do most of my travelling alone. Mas gusto ko yun kesa magkaroon ng super shit na traveling companion, kahit sya pa nagbayad ng buong trip. Kaya pag naiisip ko o niyaya kitang magtravel, kahit sa kabilang bundok lang ng tralala, aba, alam na this! Lab na kita! Pasok ka sa Jar!

#3

The Movies

Hindi ko bet makipagdate sa sinehan. Gaya ng pagtatravel, sacred sa akin ang theater watching and movie going. Kung ang point lang naman ay makipaglampungan sa dilim, aba check in na itey. Wag sa sinehan dear. Kaya kung niyayaya kitang magsine, isa lang ang ibig sabihin nun! Swak ka sa Jar! I am trusting you enough to share that sacred space of movie viewing, trusting that you'd just hold my hand and let me lay my head on your shoulders or chest, or vice-versa. Kaya ligwak ang mga malilibog na nagnininja moves sa sinehan sakin. Prangkahin mo ko, mas mura mag 3 hours kesa mag movie, please lang! SO yun. It goes without saying na Swak sa Jar ang may appreciation sa film. Hindi naman kailangang Cineaste ang peg, o movie analyst slash critic slash afficionado. Sige na! Kahit Pinoy Movie Buff keribelles na! Basta hindi aayaw manuod ng mga mas malaman na mga films keribambolbee na!

LAFOKS!

#2

Foodie Buddy

It goes without saying. Kaya ko gusto ng chubby dahil sa rason na ito! Bet ko ang partner na food buddy ko rin. Bet ko yung food travel, while HHWW sa streets ng Saigon habang subuan peg matapos namin manuod sa Opera house! Kaloka! Five birds in one stone na yun! Pakakasalan ko na yun kung sino man sya! Hahahaha. I come from a family where food is the language of love. Walang may culinary degree sa amin kasi hindi kailangan yun, pero lahat kami nagluluto at alam ng bawat isa ang paboritong pagkain ng bawat isa! Pag masaya ka, ipagluluto ka ng bongga, pag depressdepressan ang drama mo, ipagluluto ka to make you feel better. Super Bonus ang partner na mahilig magluto. Yung adventurous sa pagkain at hindi takot sa calories! Basta ganun! Bet ko ang kaya akong hilain para mag kwek kwek sa UP Diliman o kahit sa mga kagilid-gilidan ng Aurora, o mag-binatog sa Baguio o kahit mag Silog meals sa Philcoa, yung ganern! Hindi kailangang fancy chef. Basta yung bubusugin ang tyan ko pati ang puso ko! Yun yon!

#1

KAPE

Yun ang ending. Kape ang hanap ko. Yung hahanap-hanapin ko araw araw. Yung hindi kumpleto ang araw at buhay ko kung wala. Yung umulan man, umaraw, sya ang gusto ko makasama. May tamang pait-tamis na hanap ko. Yung kasalo ko sa mga saya at tagumpay, at kasama ko sa mga bleakosity at Luz Valdez moment. Yung kahit mapa-sosyalang kapehan man o sa gilid lang ng kalsadang 3-in-1 ay pasok sa jar! Yung magiging kape ng aking buhay, at syempre din, ako rin ang kape ng kanyang buhay. Ang nagpapasimula ng araw, at nagtatapos ng gabi. Kape. Gusto ko ng kape ko! Yun yon!

'NUFF SAID

So yun! Hindi naman ako pihikan at demanding da ba? Napakarational naman ng mga hinahanap ko daba? So yun nga! Hindi naman din kasi kailangang 10 out of 10. Hindi naman ako perfectionist kasi. Saka napaguusapan naman di ba? Ayun. Well, sa mga naghahanap din ng mga letche shit nila sa buhay, gudlak mga teng - malay mo, malay ko, malay nating lahat - MALAYBALAY BUKIDNON!
Char lang! Oh sya! Nakakapagod naman itey! See yah when I next see yah! Lab lab lab! Gudlak sa deadline! MWAHUGS!

Plus One

Although I am still in the heavens, there are some earthly matters to take care of, and so I need to somehow come down from my clouds of bliss. To start with, there are the schedules to fix. The midterms exams are coming up and I need to calendar my trip to Manila to make the most of my time there. There are the plane tickets to book, and of course, the attire for the Ceremony. Well, the attire is being taken care of, as tomorrow, my good friend will join me in scouring the city for a suitable ensemble. One more question remains unanswered: who then should be my Palanca 'plus one?'

In laymen's term, the Palanca plus one is the special guest that would accompany an awardee to the ceremonies. Each awardee is given the privilege of bringing along only one guest for the awards night. My first Palanca experience was actually as a 'plus one' of a then significant other, who won an award a year or so ahead of me. When it was my turn to win, we were no longer exactly us. In the years that I have been joining the competition, I might have promised some 'then-significant' others to have the singular distinction of joining me in one of the most splendid night in the life of a writer like me. Too bad however, that the liaisons with these 'then-significant others' did not last us long enough to see me achieve this distinction.

My first 'plus one' was very very special in another way. As loyal denizens would know, I went with my 'almost-wife-sans-the-sex-and-marriage' super girl Charmita. We had a blast then and it was a most wonderful evening. I am not complaining but at a time like this, it is but natural for a sentimental poet to feel the pangs of longing for that special 'plus one' for the night. You know what I'm saying.

This year finds me un-partnered and very much single too, so there is no automatic 'plus one' to share this big triumph with. It would be a very very tricky thing to do to be asking someone from my writer's group to join me that night. Aside from the obvious expenses involved, I do not want to be accused of having 'favorites.' Besides, its not like we can just pick anyone just like that. Every Palanca Award Winner's circle of friends would understand the gravity of being asked to be an awardee's plus one. It's as if you have been shared that distinction of the win too. So now the dilemma. Who to ask to be my plus one?

Hmmmm....

Well you see, it might be plain fantasy or day dreaming, but you know, I also merely day dreamed and fantasized about my Palanca moment, but I must have done something right and someone up there must like me a lot to make it come true. So, you see? You can never can tell says Ara Mina. So let's see the viability. Here goes:

I was thinking, ever since the moment I first saw the raw talents of this person I wanted to ask him to be my plus one. Being a disciple of the arts himself, I know he would understand the immensity of the situation and would perhaps be honored to be my plus one. More so, when I saw him in one of the movies, I was convinced he had to be my next plus one. I have to take him to the Awards Night with me, and wearing this... exactly this!

Then again, maybe he won't be admitted to the Rigodon Ballroom because of strict implementation of the dress code, and I am afraid of the rumors that he is given to a little violence. So, ahmmm... maybe not. Maybe I need someone gentler.

So I thought maybe he should be my plus one. I do not watch much TV so I didn't know him from Adam. Not until recently when I saw him in a Cinemalaya entry. Well, probably, if I was in Eugene Domingo's place and I was asked for a role in a movie with him as producer, I would in fact say the same things:

"Full frontal nudity, check!"

"Death-defying stunts, check!"

"Sex scene with actual penetration, check na check!"

Maybe even if he asks me to swim in a septic tank, I would have been convinced by his sweet smile! And maybe, I would have even said this while floating in shit: "I'm just a boy, floating in front of another boy, asking him to loourve him in return!"

Well, I know he looks the part and the clothes would not be a problem, but you know, the Barong Tagalog is kinda dated. Something more 'cultural'. Maybe, he should be my guest. Yes, him!

Fine that's a long shot I know, and my little crush with him was not even enough to make me vote for him during the last elections. Not to mention the many envious baklitas in the Awards Night that might mob me should I be seen with the guys above. Well, I need some one to defend me. Alam mo na! Baka kalmutin ako ng mga lola nyo sa Palanca. They might bitch-slap me and scratch my delicate Ilonggo skin! I need a hero! So, ok fine! That settles it! He should be my Palanca plus one!

Pramis, wala na talaga akong choice! Baka sya na lang talaga! Napipilitan na talaga ako eh. Hehehe. Hayaan nyo na akong mangarap ano ba!

My my my! Who should it be then? Help me out guys!

Credits:

All Photos grabbed from Google images

Happy Birthday to me

The Batchoy Boi turns a year older! Happy Birthday to me!




The party’s over. I had it days before my actual birthday. The few remaining celebration for the day were also over and done with – coffee, dinner and then some. The deluge of text messages trickled about three hours before and those posted on my facebook wall have all been replied to. So I am left to myself. I wanted it this way – for me to be with myself for the remaining hours of my birthday. I wanted to celebrate the last trickles with the most important person in my life – my own self. So there I was at a bar. The band was still playing. I bought a bottle of shandy. I don’t drink really, and I just wanted to take it slow and easy and just be with myself. I stood by the counters sipping my drink. I saw you look at me. You were with your friends. There were six of you. Let’s just say, you were my type; Chubby flubby, fair, chinkiy eyes, cute lips and ahmmm… dimpled cheeks. Just perfect. Except for one thing – your girl's arms were wrapped all over your arms. Oh well. continue listening to the band. You continue staring. I tried catching your stares but you would casually look away when I try to. Your girl clings obliviously.


Inevitably, the band called out my name. They greeted me. How could they not. I’m a band boy. They called me over to jam a song or two. I feel you look at me as I approach the stage. I sang a couple of songs. I’m used to this. As I said, I’m a band boy. I know you were staring at me while I was performing. I could tell. I was looking your way. After my songs, I got back to my spot. You were scribbling something. Then, you handed it to the waiter. Two songs later, I was called back by my band friends. Somebody requested a song, and I was requested to sing it. I was in good moods, so I gladly obliged my friends. I am so sure it was from you. I saw you smiling as I was singing the two songs you requested. Luckily, I knew the songs. When I finished, I was surprised to see a fresh bottle of shandy and a plate of food on the counter. There was also a slice of cake. The waiter informed me it was for me. I said I didn’t order these. He said it’s on the house. I doubt it. This must have come from you. I saw you smile. Your girl still held your hand. I smiled deep inside. Well…Happy Birthday to me.

A few minutes later, your group left. Oh well… about half an hour later, I went to the comfort room. I went inside one of the cubicles. When I finished peeing, you were there inside the room too. No one else was inside. I smiled at you. You smiled back and said ‘Happy Birthday singer boy. Great performance.’ I said ‘thank you, did the food and drink and cake come from you?’ You just smiled. ‘Why are you alone on your birthday?’ you asked. I said I just want to be and asked ‘where’s your friends, I thought you left earlier?’ You looked into my eyes and gave me a warm smile and said ‘Isn’t it obvious why I came back? You looked lonely. No one should be lonely on his birthday night.’ I thought, goodness, I feel thrilled and this is a badly written screenplay of some cheap Pinoy romantic flick. Where the hell were the people who were supposed to come in and use the toilets? This is so contrived! But your chinito eyes, they stir a longing in me. I responded, ‘but your girlfriend…’ I wasn’t able to finish my question because somebody came in. We tried to act casually.

The guy went straight to one cubicle and as soon as the door latched, you grabbed me, hugged me tight and pushed me back into the nearest cubicle. Your eyes danced with mischief as your tongue probed mine. I got instantly stiff. We kissed and kissed and kissed and we heard the door to the cubicle unlock and the main door open and latch close. You grabbed me. We exited the comfort room. I was blinded by the rush and you led me to your parked car. I knew it was crazy but your hands alternated between the shift stick and my crotch. We ended up in a motel and when finally you were about to suck my stiff member, you paused, looked at me with a silly grin and said, ‘happy birthday band boy,’ and you took it all in.

It was wild, it was passionate and you sapped me dry. We did it all over the room - on the bed, in the toilet, in the showers, by the table, and I came all over too - in your mouth, in your palms, on your chest, inside you. Exhaustion got the better of us and we fell asleep. I could remember hearing the telephone ring. It must be the front desk informing us that our time is over. You picked it up. I was waiting for a nudge from you to get up and get dressed but when you put the phone down it was your warm hug enveloping me that I felt. I slipped into blessed exhausted sleep.


I woke up to the warmth in my crotch, and I saw you already mounted and impaled, pumping up and down. Time didn’t matter. There is the urgency of this lust, perhaps the last one, before we finally get dressed and go. When we came, I asked you what time it was. You said it doesn’t matter. You had us booked for the rest of the day. You smiled as you lay down beside me. I grabbed a smoke. Then you nibbled my ears and whispered ‘happy birthday’ I smiled and said, ‘not anymore. My birthday expired last night.’ You smiled and kissed me saying, ‘no, not you. Me. Happy Birthday to me. Today is my birthday.’ I smiled and allowed you to hug me. In a few minutes you fell asleep on my chest. I watched your cute face deep in slumber and I thought to myself. Darn, what’s your name again? I don’t think we ever asked each other that. Oh well, happy birthday. In an hour, I will wake you up by pumping into you! One good turn deserves another.

Taralerj!

Duh! Kumusta naman ang Department of Tourism ng bansa? After launching, or rather attempting to launch the controversial new slogan "Pilipinas Kay Ganda!" which earned a lot of flak from the public and was highly criticized, they pull it off saying it was just on 'test-run.' Well it seems they are gonna bomb out once more. Here is the alleged new 'concept' for the new slogan.

Sabi ng Secretary of Tourism eh sa local tourists daw naka target ang bagong slogan. Nakikita daw nila na dapat palakasin ang domestic tourism at hikayatin pa sila na maglagalag sa buong bansa.




KUMUSTA KA NAMAN TEH?

How elementary could you get? How frustrating!

Una: Why do they insist, in the first place to replace the existing and very successful WOW Philippines campaign? Bakit kailangan palitan samantalang napaka successful nitey at malakas ang dating at recall value?

Pangalawa: Why do they insist on adopting a Tagalog/Filipino slogan? Rasunan pa na domestic ang target teh? Well, kung ganon nga, eh di ba mas epektib ata kung ang kampanya instead of Tara Na! Gawin na lang "WER NA U, HIR NA ME!" di ba? Mas simple, naiintindihan, masa direkta at mas epektibo? WER NA U, HIR NA ME sa DINAGYANG FESTIVAL ILOILO oh dava!

Pangatlo: Kumusta naman ang poster teh? Mas magaling pa yata ang pamangkin ko gumawa ng poster noh! At ang tatlong bata, I'm sure tatawagin nilang sina Luz, Vie, at Min. Wanabet?

Hay naku, kaloka lang. Sa panahon ng digital technological advancements, ito na yun? Ito na talaga teh? Kalurkeibelles! Yun nah!

Asians in the Library

Kaloka lang ang Alexandra Wallace. Napanood ko sa youtube ang bilat. Nilait lait nya lang naman ang kultura ng mga Asyang. Kesyo daw tiga UCLA sha at nag aaral ng political science. Naiimbey daw sha kumvakit pag weekends eh more ang gorabelles ng mga jumag aneyk ng mga asyang sa apartment at maglalaba ipagsa-shopping, lulutuan at kung anek anek pa ng mga kamag-aneyk ang mga studyanteng Asyang. Eh gaga ka fala, ganun talaga kami teh! Servitude kami teh sa mga familyey gagah!

Tafos, nasa library nga daw sha nag aaral at nung malapit na daw sha magka Epifany eh bigla mag riring ang isang nyelpown at mag kukuda ang isang Asyang. Sabi pa ng bilat. Wooooohhhh!!! Ching Chong Ling Long Ting Tong! Gagang toh! Laitin ba ang lengwahe ng Asyang na mas matanda pa kesa sa markanong lengwahe na hiram hiram lang sa kung sa anek anek na lengwalalur?

Ang pinakanakakaloka, aba, di pa na kuntento ang hitad, at doon na talaga ako na jiniz de belen sa kanyey~ Aba'y pakialaman ba naman ang tsunami! Kesyo na iintindihan daw nya na nagka tsunami kayah lang nakaka disturbances daw sa Epiphany nya! Gaga! Sino ka ba sa kala mo si Chaka Khan na magkaka epiphany ka? Kalokah! Kailangan daw mag ka American manners ang mga Asyang. Gagang toh! Di ko ipupromote ang video nya kasi shinonggal na nya at kinlose ang channel nya pero kalat na sa youtube ang panlalait ng gaga. Instead, in my own way, itrak ang masasabi ko lang. Kung itrak ang mga Asyang na magchi-Ching Chong Ling Long Ting Tong sa library, gagah, magpapatayo ako ng sariling Library ko. Well, Music Library at least. Gagang bilat na toh! Honey you need to get laid. Nandun ang Epiphany na hinahanap mo.

Oh well... itrak na ang mga Asyang na felt ko maka Ching Chong Ling Long Ting Tong sa Library ko. Enjoy Batchoy Denizens. Pakisabuyan ng mainit init na batchoy ang hitad na bilat pag nakita nyo. Please lang!



Nung 2008 ko pa na feature ang Asyang na to kaya nangunguna sha




Love ko ang Song. Love ko na rin sha! Anuver!



Yummy lang sha! Ganda ng song. Atchaka, love nya daw ako. Kaya sha na talaga for now. Hehehehe. Gruff Chubby lang! Woof!


Kaya kay Alexandra Wallace, because I am a nice decent Filipino and Asian that my Mom raised well, with free laundry over the weekends, grocery shopping and all that shit, and growing up talking to my friends without any Ching Chong Ling Long Ting Tong thing, hindi ka pwede sa Library ko letche kah! Peace on the Batchoyan Library. Chos!

Don't Dare Me!

Makulit ka lang din naman kuya no?

Masaya kang kausap. Masarap kakwentuhan.

Seryosohan. Bastusan. Lahat na!

Kumusta naman sa Roma, bebe?

Hulog ka ng langit at masaya dahil napadpad ka sa batchoyan

Uwi ka na sa Pinas kasi pakasalan mo na ako.

I Love You Ramses Mejia!

At wag ako dinedare magsisisi ka!

Walang burahan to!

Masisisi mo ba ako?

Kaloka ka lang.

Naaayos mo ang mga sira sirang gamit ko.

Yung laptop ko na dati ay madilim ang display, napaliwanag mo. Yung sana'y malamig ko na pasko, napag init at napa lagablab mo. Ang makulimlim kong buhay ay napapaliwanag mo ng bonggang bongga.
Yung mga halik mo nakakapawi ng mga lungkot at takot ko. Yung yakap mo, nakakapag aalis ng inis at pagod ko.

Yung cell phone ko na matagal ko na hindi magamit dahil ayaw gumana, naayos at napagana mo. Pati ang gutay gutay ko na na mga pinapangarap sa buhay, naipagtatagpi tagpi mo. Yung mga basag basag ko na na mga hinahangad at di na pinaniniwalaan, na iis-is at napapakinang mo ulit.

Ngayon...

Masisisi mo ba ako kung ayaw ko na ikaw pakawalan pa? Na ayaw ko na ikaw ma experience ng iba? Na gusto ko na lang umuwi sa mga yakap at halik mo?

Masisisi mo ba ako kung gustuhin kong sirain na lang ng bonggang bongga ang buhay ko at ipaayos na lang sa yo?

Etchos lang!

Mas sira sira kaya ang buhay mo kesa sa kin hehehehe

Charing kanding nga nag tambling!
Etchos lucos nalumos sa ginamos!

I love you... Puta ka! Magsawa ka sa iba!

Ex-tensions (The after death Chronicles Final Part)

And so the final piece needs to be written. I really was hesitating to write it, but then, some things just have to come full circle. A lot of things happened in the intervening days and weeks since the first post of the After death chronicles was written. And so it comes down to this.

The second ex to be notified is actually more complex and touchy. If it could have been avoided all together, I would. I left a message in his Facebook account. I left my number and asked him to call me or text me so I could call him. I did not want to just drop the bomb like that on facebook messaging. Things like these need a voice. He replied belatedly with a message confirming if it was indeed me writing him a message. I understand. He's an 'otaku' or a tech geek. He is very wary of spams and scams on line. Besides, after the devastating break up, I imposed a total block and freeze over. No contacts. No news. No whatsoever. I refrained from making online trails that he may be able to follow for at least 18 months to get off his radar. No nothing. Only a few months ago was I surprised to find a friend request on facebook from him.

See, JM was his 'kuma-chan,' remember? Yes, he was THAT ex. Well, then we exchanged a few SMS' and I kept it within JM's parameters. No 'how are you's,' no how's life treating you's, just JM this and that. En route JM's burial he called me. He said he just got off the office and was asking where I was. I told him I was with the funeral caravan. He was asking directions and wanted to go but it was too far for him. See, I never asked him to meet up or whatever. I said what I had to say. That JM was gone, where he lies in state, when the funeral would be, and it would be up to him if he wants to make time and pay his final respects. I have done my job. Whatever he does next is none of my concerns and needs not my involvement in any way.

I was surprised to receive a call from him two days after JM's funeral. What now? He said he wanted to see me. He said it was his last work day for the week. He wanted to have coffee. I hesitated. This has nothing to do with JM. Then again, if it's true that I am over him really, then why fear a meet up. Fine!

And so, Starbuck's 6750 it was. I came before him because, though he works in Makati, he does not know his way around. I am now more geographically and navigationally adept than him in the metro. He said he was coming with a workmate friend. Tsch! Buffer! What a scaredy cat! Afraid to face the batchoy all by himself. Well...

I saw him and friend approach from the other side of the road. He looked a bit unkempt than he used too. Heavier, gruffier, and well... pardon me... dirtier. Tsk! The lover, if he has any, has poor 'hubby keeping skills.'

He approached my table. I stood up. Saw him open his arms wide and I just let myself be swept into his embrace. The world did not really stop like a sappy romantic flick. It was warm, it was nice and tight, and his hands and arms still knew the nooks and crannies of my body for maximum contact. No. No death defying nuclear meltdown. Not until he casually leaned his head sideways and comfortably found the perfect spot on my shoulder, nuzzling my neck with his stubble, just like he used to. Then boom!

Fuck it!

And so, we talked. Why this was so, why such was such. He vehemently denied that the reason for the break up was a third party. They never became them. He said the real reason was that because he chickened out. He got so overwhelmed by our plans. We were literally on the edge and he got afraid to take the plunge. The leap of faith! He chickened out on us.

He went on to tell me how he felt that his life after me was one big melodramatic karma. Misfortunes, one after the other. The only thing that softened the blows was that he felt he deserved everything, for breaking my heart into fragments and smithereens. I felt my cheeks dampen. Too bad, but...

SO I agreed to come home with him. He is living in their family's ancestral house now, good stable job, nice hobbies and more or less more matured and driven life. But! The Luis Karma.
He was on the tail end of a degrading and disintegrating 3-year relationship. Dependency, bad sex and abuse of favors and kindness. The whole clan of the BF was practically living in their house. Bottomline... Bad sex.

When the doors closed we were all over each other. God! He still knows my body. Where to touch me, how to touch me, when to and when not to. Oh yes, there was sex. Mind blowing sex!
Death defying, soul severing, cosmic explosive sex! From the back of the door to the stairs, to the couch, to the showers, to the tub, to bed and beyond. All with the boyfriend and the family in the house and some visiting friends.

He said that his boyfriend's idea to save the bad sex was third wheeling. At first he liked the sexual release but later found it so dirty and started hating himself for it. I would have none of his drama. His situation, his luck, his call. I'm here to just get what I can take. After rounds of sex, while on cool down, he handed me a keychain. In his purry sex-logged voice he asked me to move my things and stay with him here for as long as I need until I get back to my trips for my Dad. How can I say no? Amazing sex? Oh and yes, the boyfriend 'pawed' me too. I consented to it so that if and when we get caught, I'd have a ready slap back. Hello, so you have now become the queen and role model of sexual purity and fidelity? And yes, we did get caught.

Days later, he finally broke up with the boyfriend. He insists that it was a long overdue thing and I had nothing to do with it. Whatever. The set up was perfect. Intimacy, warmth and a blazing Christmas, the I go back to my travels, and then some when I get back. Not until we talked...

Then I realized, I love him. Not with the remnant love or the dying embers rekindled, but with a brand new love for the him that he is right now. You know how love tends to muck up things, right? If this thing was able to survive the cold blast of silence and indifference and the soul sapping drought of no news and no nothing, then this must be something else. This hardy thing must be it!Now I don't want to take what I can get. I want all of it.

But he was not ready for me. He said it was so unfair for me to just drop in and breeze through his life the way I also did six years ago. That he had plans... that he needs time to heal... time to mourn... time to... whatever.

It was not easy. I told him that some people whine, gripe, pray and even coerce for a shot at something. We were so lucky to have been given two shots at it.

Then again... maybe this is really the message of the universe. He has to take his own flights. I have to take mine. Love just muddles it all up.

And one more thing does.

The promise we made that no matter what, he and I will always be there. No getting lost. No news block out. This. For now...

Looks like I made myself another one of those that defies labels or classifications.
Well...
We'll see...


So what are we? I asked. FuBu? Friends with benefits?
He said, "why the need to label."
I replied, "Fine, not FuBu not friends with benefits."
He asked, "what then."
Friends with Privileges.
Yes. Thats new!

He says he's Nelly Fortado's "I'm like a bird."
I said no... you're not a bird. Though you have a very nice one, hehehe. You are a butterfly.

Soar high my butterfly!

Tradition

In the tradition of Extra Super Special Batchoy With Egg, I proudly present to you a Christmas Cantata. The Batchoy Boi has selected threee Christmas songs for your listening pleasure dear Batchoyan Denizens. Here we go.

Let's start off with a classic Christmas Carol




And now we have something from our very own Islands of the Pinas!






To cap off the cantata, Here is the King himself singing what the Batchoy Boi feels like this Christmas time!






Merry Christmas Batchoyan Denizens. Consider this my humble Christmas present to all of you. May you all be blessed and truly feel the true Christmas Spirit. I love you all!


Video Credits:
youtube

Realizations and an FGD (The After Death Chronicles Part 3)

With JM's death, I realized a lot of things. Some of them that I already know and am aware of, have been strengthened and renewed. Some of them I have been considering for quite some time and now gracefully accept and adopt while some of them completely unacceptable before, I reconsider and soften up to. Maybe, when people close to us dies, we get to reassess our own lives and we renew the commitments to ourselves to live our lives more, bigger, better, wiser and bolder.In the end, it is not what we have reached but how we reached for them that people would remember most.

I consider myself as someone who hold grudges for a very long time. Forgiving is easy but forgetting is another thing. I realized that in the end, these things really don't matter. What matters is the moments of joy you shared with people.Those who genuinely felt your love and was blessed and touched by your life would remember you with how you changed their lives or made an impact on them. I still have some of my grudges, but most of them that I can not even remember, I have let go. Travel light. Less baggage less worries.

I also realized that no matter how crazy, mad, or unrequited it may seem, people remember you for the love you have shown. I realized that in the end, those who concealed, kept and became scared to show that they care are the saddest people in the world. The love and care that could have been shown will never see the light of day when we are gone. So go! Fall in love in the craziest, maddest and deepest way possible. Follow your heart. It may not always lead you to the right path or not even bring you happiness but it will always lead you back to yourself.

My belief that there is such a thing called too late has also been bolstered - the concept of too late in opposition to the concept of too fast. While we should exercise care and caution, we must not take too long. There is never a more appropriate or perfect time than today. Right here, right now! Later may be too late.

I also confirmed that 'too busy' is such a lame excuse. Too busy to say hi, too busy to call, too busy to reply, too busy to sit down and have coffee, too busy to just let the moment pass us by, too busy... Maybe next time. Such is the paradox of life. While we are too busy for other things, the more important moments just passes us by and we can never have that moment ever again because we were too busy with something else, which, in retrospect, wasn't that important after all.

The most important realization I had was the fact that the fire in me is almost dying and it was a good thing I stopped and noticed it sputter. See, I used to believe that for a shot at happiness everything is worth it. However, past hurts, pains and brushes with the madness that is life has made me more careful, more cautious, thus, making me miss out and not taking those shots. I should have taken the shot with JM. Now he's gone and I will never have that ever again. It doesn't matter that he would have died anyway. Some may argue that it saved me from ton loads of heart aches and pain. Then again, pain is a constant fact. We seem to live life with the purpose of avoiding pain. Sometimes, pain is good for us. Pain makes our poetry beautiful says my mother John Iremil. I realized that I am not what I used to be. I get scared easily. I have more walls - more shields ergo, more issues, more hung-up. There and then I decided to bring out the brave and bold me, proudly declaring that indeed, for a shot at happiness everything is worth it. If I miss, then I will console myself with the fact that at least I took the shot. It could have been 'it.'

Finally, I have renewed my commitment to do whatever it takes, because I realized that people could die lonely, and people could die alone. I don't want that. I will take my chances, and I will not be afraid. Carpe Diem... Seize the day! What's a little hurt and a little pain for that chance at forever?

Now, coincidentally, during one Friday night Bible Study and Support Group of my church MCCQC, we talked about death. The round table discussion question was :"How would you like people to remember you by best when you die." It got me thinking. Honestly, the question sounds simple ala Miss Universe but come to think of it... How indeed?

I was thinking I would like to be remembered by as a good friend, a good person, someone who made me smile/laugh/happy etc etc etc. Then again, wouldn't we all want to be that? I was thinking, I want people to remember me as someone who wrote poems, stories and blogs that made an impact on them. Too lofty perhaps? How about someone who loved with everything he had. Sounds good. Thing is, like it or not, the people who matter to us most would not remember us by the greatness we have achieved. These things are reserved for grandstanders during eulogies. What people remember us by really are those little moments etched in their hearts forever. The small things... So, I ask you batchoy denizens... How would you like to be remembered by best?

Call it vanity, call it egotism or call it a 'I don't feel so great please give me a little pat on the back or a nice warm hug to make me feel better' thing. Let me ask you. How would you best remember me by?

Talk to me!




Photo Credits:
http://www.rindewebsitedesigns.com/buchser/inmemory.html

Not So Ghosts of Exes Past (The After Death Chronicles Part 2)

JM's death brought more than just one ghost to the forefront.




To say that his passing away caused some kind of avalanche in my otherwise placid and boring life is an understatement. Some ghosts of the past came to haunt me as well. With the news and its confirmation, what comes next naturally is telling people that I know of, who might also know him that he is gone so that they too may be able to pay their final respects.

At first I was hesitant. The only two other person I know of and have contacts with in a way are all... well... exes. Before even braving to break the silence, I counseled with my trusted friends if I should do it. They echoed my sentiments that it has to be done, no matter what the frictions in the past I have with the living. After all, it was the Christian thing to do. Let the dead bury the dead so to speak. So I braved the rift.

Let's start with Ex #1. Well, technically, we weren't really exes so to speak. It was, at most, a passionate affair, but see, what makes it awkward is the fact that he was THE BIG CRASH. Doc Oinkie! Remember? The Manic Monday that never came to be? Oh yes! I still have his number. I tried to call. It rang forever. He was not picking up. So I texted.

Batchoy: Hi, Doc. I didn't want to bother you. I did not want to tell you through text, but you are not picking up. I just want you to know that JM passed away. His body lies in state at such and such Memorial Chapels. You might want to pay your final respects.

In a matter of minutes, my phone rang. It was doc. I can hear his soothing voice and my heart, as usual, leaped up to my throat. He has such an effect on me that yes, I must admit, I even had a hard on. Bad Batchoy! The eventual 'interview' ensued. Are you sure, what is the cause of death blah blah blah. And then...

Doc: And how are you?
Luis: (Shit!) I'm fine. No. I'm great! ( And still not able to get past that Monday that never came, you stinkin' lyin' b@st@rd you!) Never better.
Doc: Are you going to the chapel?
Luis: Ahmm, I have been there earlier, that's why I was able to confirm.
Doc: I might go. I want to go. Maybe tonight.
Luis: Please do, Doc.
Doc: Where will you be? Will you be free tonight?
Luis: Ahmmm ( Of course, I will be free if you ask me to be! Stupid!) Let me see.
Doc: I was hoping you'd go when I do. I wanted to see you too!
Luis: (Arggghh!) Sure, let's see what we can arrange. What time will you be going.

And so... I agreed to meet up with him. In the chapels.
Message received

Doc: You know I'm attached, right?
Luis: Yes. What has that got to do with JM?
Doc: Nothing. Just saying.
Luis: Don't sweat it, doc oinkee. I'll see you there.

I made sure he got there ahead of me. I don't wanna be kept waiting. Not this time.

I entered the chapel and saw him instantly. On the front rows near the casket. He was beside an oldish guy. He was chatting with JM's mom. I eyed him cautiously. God, he still looks as good as I remember him to be. And the guy beside him? Well, vanity and pride, my dear.

No contest.

He saw me. He motioned me to come sit beside him. I did a quick feel of my pulse. Surprisingly, no palpitations there. So I sat. Not much of catching up it was. He was very cautious around the boyfriend. Well, what did I expect? The exchange was clipped and careful. He asked me what my liaisons with JM was. If we dated, slept together, and all that jazz. I said yes. He sighed and I caught him whisper. 'Lucky guy!' I countered. 'Dead guy now!' He smiled. 'Still sharp and funny.' I did not want to look into his eyes. I did not want to interpret what I saw as a longing.

I kept checking my pulse. What is wrong with me? I can't seem to feel anything. What? No skip? No jitter? No big brass band? Well....

I left the room to have a ciggie. He followed suit. The boyfriend followed suit. Discomfort followed suit.

The night had to end. They had to get home because they have jobs the next day. I had to get home too. I walked him to the parking lot. Final goodbyes have to be said. I started extending my hand to shake his hands. He took my hand and pulled me to a tight hug. I heard him whisper. I missed you. Take care of yourself.

I thought, yeah, I have to take care of myself. No one does it for me.

I saw them get in to the car and drive away. I replayed the hug. Rechecked my pulse.

No response. NR.

Just like the result of the Elisa Test they did on JM, given his sexual preference and activities, they had to admit and be honest with their selves that such a possibility exists.

NR.

No reaction. Negative.

The way I tested these last few times. I do my Elisa's at least twice a year.

I slowly walked out of the funeral home.

NR

Another ghost exorcised. Another loss. Another grief.

The big crash crashed down!
No more kahuna.
The wave broke and the shore placid in the moonlight.

NR

Goodbye Doc Oinkie.

Photo Credits: http://boingboing.net/2009/10/06/exorcisms-vs-schizop.html

Replacement (The After Death Chronicles Part1)

So he's dead. But it looks like his death caused an avalanche of events and chain reactions so to speak. I'm grappling with them and dealing with them the best I know how. This is the first among some of what happened as a result of his death.


I visited the wake three days in a row. I met the family. The family met me. They were warm, nice and very accommodating. We talked. About him, about me, about him and me. He lead a secret life away from home. He never brought anyone over to the house. Not even workmates, or friends. They know his sexual preference but no more than that. They wished someone would come out and introduce himself to them. I was the only one. The mom was especially warm, more so when she discovered that I was Ilonggo too. He never mentioned that to me. Now I know why he kept on making lambing for me to speak Hiligaynon. I don't know why he never told me his family were Ilonggo's. Both his mom and dad. One was from Bacolod one was from Iloilo.

The last night of the wake, I met a very outspoken and very beautiful aunt of his.

Aunt: Hi, so you are Luis?
Me: Yes, tita.
Aunt: I have heard so much about you. Thanks for coming hijo.
Me: You are welcome tita.
Aunt: Too bad, we met just now and under such sad circumstances. Well at least, now we're acquainted.
Me: Thank you tita and condolence po.
Aunt: Condolence too hijo. You have lost someone too. Welcome to the family. Don't worry. You do not need to be ashamed. We love those whom our nephew loved. We don't care which gender he chose to love. It doesn't matter. As long as he loved.
Me: Thank you tita.
Aunt: We hope to see more of you ok?
Me: Yes po, tita.
Aunt: Tomorrow at the funeral, of course?
Me: Yes tita.

At the funeral, I came a bit early. Two of the closest cousins were there and they were very warm. The black mourning pins came. It was distributed among the family members. I was surprised when his mom called me and gave me a pin. I didn't want to be presumptuous so I kept it in my pockets.

The tita saw me. She asked me to help her pin hers on her dress. Then she noticed I was not wearing one. She asked why I wasn't given one yet. The mom came over and asked where was the pin she gave me. I took it out of my pocket and she got it from me and pinned it on the left side of my shirt.

Everyone was kind to me. They kept patting me, asking if I was okay. I waited until the chapel staff brought out the casket. Everyone started getting into cars and transportation. I went with a sister and his closest cousin. At the funeral, I tried my best not to cry. I did not want to make a scene or draw attention to myself. I wasn't able to help it. I hope I did not bawl out too loudly. Then came the final viewing. The family went first. I did not want to view him one last time. I want to remember him the way I do. He looks so emaciated in his casket I did not want that to be my last image of him. Somebody took my hand and led me to the casket. It was another sister. Then white roses were handed out. I was given one. We were supposed to throw it down the hole when the casket has been lowered. I felt my heart break. I didn't know that it would feel this sad and this heavy.

Then I was handed white balloons. They told me I should have the honor and privilege of letting them go to drift in the afternoon skies. Symbolic of us letting him go and committing him to the heavens up above. I quickly wiped the tears that were trickling down my face. I never dared to take off the dark glasses hiding my eyes. Good bye kumag chan! The family insisted that I ride back to their house with them. I told them before that this was one of the things we fought about. He was adamant in not bringing me home or introducing me to any one of them. I was not able to find a way to decline. When I was at their house, I realized I miss him all the more now that I have seen where he lived. His mom made me promise to keep in touch and visit anytime I wanted. I promised.

Nine days later, I got a text from his mom. She was inviting me for dinner with the family to commemorate the 9th day of this death, and for a despedida party for the sister who was going back to the states. I tried to decline saying I lived a bit far from where the dinner was to be held but she countered by saying they're picking me up. So I went. My heart melted when I arrived and kissed his dad. He had the sweetest smile for me. In his limited range of motion, he tried patting my back. He is a stroke survivor.

Dinner was good. It was nice to see everyone recovering nicely and it was good to see them meet again under lighter circumstances. I smile deep inside when I realized that I'm the odd one out. I know that remembrances are important, but sighed too because I know I'm living on a borrowed time. Sooner or later, we would have to part ways and move on with our own lives. We will run out of remembrances and reasons to meet and get together in memory of him. I was wrong, or so it seems.

After dinner, the younger guys wanted to go videoke. Naturally, I got grabbed along. He was musically gifted and it was inevitable for them to comment that although they never saw us together, we must have made a good pair. We both sing well. I tried brushing it off. Just remembrances. When the gang was slightly liquored up, the close cousin asked me if I knew how to play the piano. I said I do not know how to play any musical instrument. She laughed and said she'd enroll me for lessons. To complete everything. I laughed it off. Not until someone interjected and said, "Oo nga kuya, para kumpleto." Then the cousin said. "It's like this. We lost him, but we gained you. You actually look a bit like him, especially when you laugh and your eyes disappear. Same body type, same sexual preference, same gait, same body structure, same musical gifts, same poetic gifts, same sweetness, same manner of speaking, same manner of dressing, same movements, only more masculine, same wit, same humor. Almost a lot like him." I smiled. Of course, they got my number, my facebook account. I shivered. "Yeah, so much alike. Feels like kuya arranged a replacement for us when he is gone. Basta, from now on, kuya ka na rin namin. Replacement ka na."

We Were Sky and Fire

We Were Sky and Fire
For John Mark Anthony Lutao
I will miss you forever 'kumag-chan'

Skies are majestic, no matter what time of day.
On dawns, they are resplendent with the first touches of light
They are blue and eternal on fine mornings
And turn fiery red on sunsets
On evenings, they become bedecked by stars
And even its inky blankness invite awe.

Fires can transform no matter how small.
A tiny spark changes you
Slow burning fire gives constant warmth
A steady blaze enervates
And a huge conflagration razes the mightiest of cities.
It's warmth is that which is never forgotten.

Once, you and I were sky.
A vast endless expanse we looked up to.
Stars, yes, we gazed upon.
Sunsets, dawn breaks and all that's in between
But the skies can never be owned.
No matter how we try, we can never hug the expanse.

Once, you and I were fires
From tiny sparks to great smoldering blazes
But what sparks and consumes us
Must turn to ashes, just like our bodies.
Now, please be the vast expanse above me
And the fire will burn forever in my heart.

We loved, and that's what matters most.


Dear JM,

I will try not to be emotional. I will try my very best. Let me say what you have wanted me to say. What you have waited to hear me say. I love you. Yes, I do. Let me tell you why it took me so long to get around to it. You see, ours was not an easy thing. I think, even before friendster came up with that label, we were labeled as such... It's complicated. I meet you in Mirc. It's a chat program online. You were a refreshing chat. None of the usual questions about asl, stat, pic blah blah. You were funny, you were witty, you were a great chat. Except for one thing. When you did trade pictures with me, I recognized you instantly, and I think my rage boiled to ten thousand degrees. You! You @#%Y^U%*&^(*!!! Of course I know who you are! So! That's why you seem to know what tickles my fancy. Because I assume you know me very well. Then again, I thought that if I played my cards right I will get the better of this still, and maybe, just maybe, get that rare revenge moment. Oh yes! Revenge! After all, you happen to be that third party of that ex who really broke my heart into smithereens! How am I so sure? Well, that's how I discovered his infidelity. I saw your pictures saved in his 'hidden files' in his PC, together with your chat logs. Tsk tsk tsk! Now, now! So I kept chatting with you, I kept flirting and I kept playing coy to see at which point I could have my revenge. But you trumped me by admitting you knew me, and saying that for the past few years, you were actually hoping you'd meet me online, or something like that, on an off chance, because you said you wanted to apologize for what happened. Now that was something! I played along. I still wanted my revenge. So we texted. I used to laugh at your silly lines, limp poetic verses which were very cliches. So pathetic I thought. You were consistent, and persistent.

Then I agreed to meet you for coffee the next chance I had to be in Manila. I was still hooked on my moment of revenge. When I was with you, I started feeling myself softening. You were so tender and gentle. You were sweet, and funny, and caring, and kind, and nice, and cute and... well... hot! Exactly my type! My chubby chinito. You were intelligent. You tickled my brains. You made me laugh. You spoke my language. I can't help it. I was beginning to like you. GADAMMIT! Then you hugged me. OH Fuck! I liked the warmth. So when you asked me if I wanted to spend the night together, I could find no objections. Of course I convinced myself that this is part of my revenge. You were great! No, you were amazing! Yes, this is part of my revenge. So we became friends. Okay fine, friends with benefits. Meet ups over coffee, good talk, good times. Now, I was dumbstruck when you said you wanted to take it to the next level. Ahmmmm...

You said you'd court me properly. Complete with roses, chocolates and poetry. I thought, here it is! My moment of revenge! My turn to crush your heart the way that ex crushed mine. Well, you had it coming didn't you? You were party to this crime of heart breaking weren't you? They weren't exactly what I planned to do, but it was playing out nicely. I will say yes to you, then make you fall ever so deep, and then drop you like a hot potato. Just like that! Simple, and evil! Revenge is a dish best served cold, right?

But I couldn't do it. You were so sincere and wonderful and warm and very nice! I long for the walks we had in Malate. The sit downs on the sidewalk in front of Remedios Church. Endless starbucks coffee. That surprise treat for my birthday at Don Henrico's. God! How did you find out I love DH? How do you know exactly when I want a hot or a cold drink in Starbucks? How do you read my mind and moods for such? You were wonderful.

I had to struggle with my own issues. I could not get past the fact that once upon a time, you were an accomplice to the crime of heart breaking! I even told you derisively that from now on, I will be calling you 'kumag-chan.' Knowing from your chat logs with that ex of mine, that he calls you 'kuma-chan', which means bear in Japanese. You did not miss that, and though you laughed at the suggestion, I saw the sadness in your eyes. And so, you became 'kumag-chan.'
But that did not stop the prosaic-poetry-cliche texts, the roses, chocolates and poetry, so to speak.

But I could not get past. You told me you understand. You still wanted us to be friends. The roses, chocolates and poetry did not stop. Then we began drifting. Mostly because we became busy with work. Then I heard you were dating some one, two or three. I respected that. But...
I missed you. I did!

Then, last night... I was checking my long unattended Friendster account. I saw your update. There was a comment there saying you're gone and that your remains lie in state at so and so Memorial Chapel. I could not believe what I was reading! It can't be true! I know you were sickly but, no, this must be a cruel joke!

This morning, I stared at your emaciated body peacefully asleep in that coffin. I had to go to that Memorial Chapel to find out if it's true. I couldn’t stop myself from crying 'kumag-chan!'
Andaya daya mo naman! Nangiiwan ka! Then your sister asked me.

"Kaibigan mo ba si kuya?"


Her eyes begged the real question.
There and 'kumag-chan' the truth dawned upon me. So I answered truthfully.


"Ahmmm, ano po (whispers to sister) ex ko po sya."

She smiled at me. Squeezed my hand.

Brain Viral Encephalitis

Andaya daya mo naman kumag chan.

I love you, kumag-chan. We, loved, that's what matters most. Farewell...