Sunday, December 19, 2010

Realizations and an FGD (The After Death Chronicles Part 3)

With JM's death, I realized a lot of things. Some of them that I already know and am aware of, have been strengthened and renewed. Some of them I have been considering for quite some time and now gracefully accept and adopt while some of them completely unacceptable before, I reconsider and soften up to. Maybe, when people close to us dies, we get to reassess our own lives and we renew the commitments to ourselves to live our lives more, bigger, better, wiser and bolder.In the end, it is not what we have reached but how we reached for them that people would remember most.

I consider myself as someone who hold grudges for a very long time. Forgiving is easy but forgetting is another thing. I realized that in the end, these things really don't matter. What matters is the moments of joy you shared with people.Those who genuinely felt your love and was blessed and touched by your life would remember you with how you changed their lives or made an impact on them. I still have some of my grudges, but most of them that I can not even remember, I have let go. Travel light. Less baggage less worries.

I also realized that no matter how crazy, mad, or unrequited it may seem, people remember you for the love you have shown. I realized that in the end, those who concealed, kept and became scared to show that they care are the saddest people in the world. The love and care that could have been shown will never see the light of day when we are gone. So go! Fall in love in the craziest, maddest and deepest way possible. Follow your heart. It may not always lead you to the right path or not even bring you happiness but it will always lead you back to yourself.

My belief that there is such a thing called too late has also been bolstered - the concept of too late in opposition to the concept of too fast. While we should exercise care and caution, we must not take too long. There is never a more appropriate or perfect time than today. Right here, right now! Later may be too late.

I also confirmed that 'too busy' is such a lame excuse. Too busy to say hi, too busy to call, too busy to reply, too busy to sit down and have coffee, too busy to just let the moment pass us by, too busy... Maybe next time. Such is the paradox of life. While we are too busy for other things, the more important moments just passes us by and we can never have that moment ever again because we were too busy with something else, which, in retrospect, wasn't that important after all.

The most important realization I had was the fact that the fire in me is almost dying and it was a good thing I stopped and noticed it sputter. See, I used to believe that for a shot at happiness everything is worth it. However, past hurts, pains and brushes with the madness that is life has made me more careful, more cautious, thus, making me miss out and not taking those shots. I should have taken the shot with JM. Now he's gone and I will never have that ever again. It doesn't matter that he would have died anyway. Some may argue that it saved me from ton loads of heart aches and pain. Then again, pain is a constant fact. We seem to live life with the purpose of avoiding pain. Sometimes, pain is good for us. Pain makes our poetry beautiful says my mother John Iremil. I realized that I am not what I used to be. I get scared easily. I have more walls - more shields ergo, more issues, more hung-up. There and then I decided to bring out the brave and bold me, proudly declaring that indeed, for a shot at happiness everything is worth it. If I miss, then I will console myself with the fact that at least I took the shot. It could have been 'it.'

Finally, I have renewed my commitment to do whatever it takes, because I realized that people could die lonely, and people could die alone. I don't want that. I will take my chances, and I will not be afraid. Carpe Diem... Seize the day! What's a little hurt and a little pain for that chance at forever?

Now, coincidentally, during one Friday night Bible Study and Support Group of my church MCCQC, we talked about death. The round table discussion question was :"How would you like people to remember you by best when you die." It got me thinking. Honestly, the question sounds simple ala Miss Universe but come to think of it... How indeed?

I was thinking I would like to be remembered by as a good friend, a good person, someone who made me smile/laugh/happy etc etc etc. Then again, wouldn't we all want to be that? I was thinking, I want people to remember me as someone who wrote poems, stories and blogs that made an impact on them. Too lofty perhaps? How about someone who loved with everything he had. Sounds good. Thing is, like it or not, the people who matter to us most would not remember us by the greatness we have achieved. These things are reserved for grandstanders during eulogies. What people remember us by really are those little moments etched in their hearts forever. The small things... So, I ask you batchoy denizens... How would you like to be remembered by best?

Call it vanity, call it egotism or call it a 'I don't feel so great please give me a little pat on the back or a nice warm hug to make me feel better' thing. Let me ask you. How would you best remember me by?

Talk to me!

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