I hope you are doing fine, as I am. Forgive me if I'd ramble and bumble through this letter. How, after all, do you write a letter to the future? Sorry if it's taking a while. See, the last one was one death-defying, crazy, wild, heart-stopping one that almost did me in. It's still a bit of a mess in here so you would understand if I took time to do house cleaning, right?
I'm not sure I'm ready for you, and I still have a few dirty and soiled shirts from the last one, but are we ever ready for this shit? Do we get warnings and indications for this one? If we do, well I have ignored it anyway and plunged headlong, as I always have. I crash and burn, you know. So that's the first thing you should know about me. My timing is off. I was born with this wicked, unreliable sense of time. It's as if, I'm always on the brink and at the cliff's edge when I should have noticed earlier. So yes, fair warning #1 - I am INTENSE. I still don't know what this means when people tell me this, and I wish I knew if that was a good thing or not. Well, some people in the past told me it was endearing and all, and they wanted it, but when it got too hot, they fled. So I am left clueless what exactly being intense means? I wonder what this would mean to you, but it is what it is, and I'm just saying.
How would I meet you? Maybe it would be in a coffee shop where I usually haunt. Maybe you'd be looking for a table, and seeing me all alone there, would ask to share ,my table. Maybe it would be the other way around. Maybe you'd ask for a light. Maybe it would be in a crowded party. Maybe it would be while walking the streets. Maybe it would be on one of my impractical soul retreats where I would waste time just being quiet and staring at the distance. Maybe it would be on one of my trips to wherever. Maybe, it would be through a common friend. Maybe it would be online. Maybe it would be somewhere random. Maybe I already know you and it would be like a rediscovery. Maybe it would be all of the above, or maybe it would be none of the above. Thus Fair Warning #2 - I have a full life. It overflows to the brim that sometimes, it could get overwhelming. It may seem then to be a really bad idea, because, how then do I make space for you? I have no idea, but surely, there would be, and the spaces are mellifluous, and they have a way of rearranging themselves somehow, so don't give up. There will be space. I will make space. Most of the past adventure actually asserted themselves, and that's just that. Trust me.
I also wonder how it would be when I'd realize that it is IT? Will it be like the movies in my mind, where you'd be bathed in heavenly light, slow-mo, musical score, as the world comes to a standstill and black and white, or sepia even, and there's just the two of us? Will it happen at the touch of your hand, as sparks fly, and we would know there is magic? Will it happen as you lean close telling me, 'You want another mug of coffee?' Or will it be as you lean to me because you are all drunk and wasted? Or will it happen before that second of ejaculation? Will it be something of a free-flow? One of those, "I don't know when it happened, it just did" thing? Or it may never even happen. I don't know, and surely, I'd like to know, so yes Fair Warning #3 - I tend to over think and it gets the better of me sometimes. I imagine scenarios in my mind that may or may never happen. I'm just wired that way. So please be patient with me, and please do encourage me to go through all the scenarios in my brain, holding my hand all this time, and helping me pick the worst of the lot!
Maybe I'd be writing a lot of poetry for you. Maybe haikus - or maybe I will name a character in one of my short stories after you. Well usually, I write poems of the bitter sad emote kind. I am usually prompted to poetry by a shattered heart so I used to warn those who ask, to never ask me to write poems for them, because that would only mean they've broken my heart in one way or the other, but maybe you'd make me write saccharine sweet icky mucky love stuff shit for a change - maybe, yes, maybe, no, but surely, I'd write for and about you. So Fair Warning #4 - I am a poet. I write. A lot. So yes you'd somehow end up there, whether you break my heart or not, hopefully the latter. As such I am a hopeless romantic shmuck, believing in true love and all that jazz, so yeah, it would be crazy. And you'd find yourself immortalized in my writings, for good or for bad. Maybe I'd kill you off in one of my stories. Ah, but let's not jump the gun. The muse is so untrustworthy. Jokingly so, the last ones were brief painful brushes and I kid that I would, for a change, want someone who'd enable me to write the magnum opus of my life - a whole epic poetry book, in 8 volumes maybe, or a grand novel at least. We'll see - but definitely, I will write.
Maybe my friends will like you. Maybe they won't. Maybe they'd cheer for you. Maybe they'd refuse to speak to me for months on end. Understand, they are good people with good hearts, and they are only looking out for me. I have built such a reputation, see, for going for the non-standards - the crazy ones, the spontaneous ones, the difficult ones, the unconventional shits! So you see, they are just being careful and loving me in ways they know, but I ask you to please try your bestest to be in good terms with these people. They are my life-support system. Somehow, in their own weird, special way, they have kept me alive and living through. It may not be possible for us to have met if not for them, so yes - Fair Warning #5 - I have amazing friends and I love them to the death. Of course it would be a two-way street and I promise to do my bestest too, to be in good terms with your friends. Actually, it has been an on-going struggle because, the last adventures I had? Some of them left me with really good friends that made it a bit harder to move forward. I have a handful of really good friends that are still with me, despite the fact that they were exes friends and the affair is long dead and gone, and every now and then, we would tease each other in the most uncomfortable and awkward of ways, about the possibilities of bringing back the dead, with their friends. Funny, but some of them have been valued allies, more valuable even, than the ex, at the start.
With those, I can't wait to finally see you. Like I said, I may not be ready, but when it comes, it comes. No one can ever expect the Spanish Inquisition, so they say. Maybe I'd dream my old dreams with all my past adventures. Maybe I'd dream new ones. Maybe I'd just play it cool and coy with you in a spontaneous reckless shit, or maybe I'd delude myself with the fact of marrying you, and spending the better rest of my life with you. Maybe there will be children. Maybe we'd move halfway across the globe. Or maybe they'd be just fantasies and one month or two after, you'd just shatter my heart like all the rest who came before you, and so I would have to write another letter for my next adventure after you - or maybe I'd be like cinder-fucking-rella, who shall live happily ever after - and as you can see Fair Warning #6 - I am a hopeless romantic shmuck. I believe in LOVE! Maybe you'd find it endearing and cute, maybe you could use it against me, and maybe, you believe in the same shitty thing, and would thank your lucky stars you found me. I know I've been through hell but this crazy stupid heart of mine just won't quit it! It just won't stop believing. It won't stop beating for that one person out there who shall be as it is, in the movies, in songs, and even in poetry - for that ONE TRUE THING! It may bee foolish yes, but I am proud of my fucking heart! It has been through a lot but it remained true to me! HEARTSTRONG!
I would have wanted to give you four more fair warnings to round it up to a good nice ten, but then again, as they always say, no matter how many warnings we get, we still plunge headlong. I know I do! And after all, life has no guarantees! We cannot return merchandise if it is not fit for use. We do not have warranties, nor a 30-day free trial period for these things. So finally, in closing, let me just ask you for one simple request. I know it's too forward of me, but listen anyway. All I ask of you is simple. Please BELIEVE! It may be too easy really, but trust me. It could be the hardest thing to do. So yes, no matter what, please believe. The going will get rough, and this is exactly why I do not ask you to take it easy on me. I have been built hard and strong so I know I'd make it through. I am not asking for you to LOVE me, because in the course of things, love would be too hard to see. In fact, a lot of my past adventures left me, even if they swear they love me, because they say, love is not enough. I sometimes wonder what. if not love, would ever be enough, but sadly so, some people think otherwise. I won't ask you to stay either. I asked that from all of them. They said they will, and changed their minds. So I am asking you to believe instead. Believe in yourself. Believe in me. Believe in US! Believe in love. Believe in staying. Just believe. And I promise you too, I will believe. I will keep the faith.
With that, see you when I do. Let's make this adventure all worth it. Give it your best shot. Expect mine too! With all my heart, I love you!