Saturday, January 31, 2009

Caught Between Goodbye and...

Remember CG? That crazy guy whom I took up on a bet to be his boyfriend for a week? Well let me tell you how it ended up finally.

For starters, there was a deal breaker, actually. We were together for almost a month, an longer if I just let him have his way. However, I have always prided myself for being this one word, and it just had to stop: Decent. Yes Ladies and Gents, I am and have always been decent.

Decency: That which is proper or becoming; the quality of conforming to standards of propriety and morality; the quality of being polite and respectable; seemliness; hence, freedom from obscenity or indecorum; modesty

Before we reduce the discussion to a mere definition of terms and drag the whole thing to semantics, I say I'm decent for the following reasons:

1. I believe in love and I respect relationships.
2. I am for keeps and I do not play around once belonging to someone and intend to stay kept.
3. Even with flirtation and dipping into the dating scene, I do not play dirty.
4. Before committing, I make sure to lay down my cards on the table to avoid misread signals, undue expectations and what-nots.
5. I do not take love lightly, nor use it as a word thrown in to get almost everything.

Now where was I. Oh CG, yes!

I must say that I did have a lot of fun with him. He was warm, fun, warm, funny, warm, exciting, warm, charming, warm, and oh, did I say he was warm? Indeed! He was! I must admit, it was hard to let go of what we were having, but hey, I can not continue being in a lie. Its not right. So I did what was the right, honorable and decent thing to do.

After the expiration of the one week deal thing, he urged me that we should extend, since, well, technically, we both didn't have anyone at that time. I agreed, because, well, he was...ahmmm... warm! A little sliver of sunshine for the cold bitter nights. Yes, you guessed it right, it was his killer hugs that did me in... the longing for that warm someone holding me tight and making me feel that I am the most valuable thing in this world. GOD! I miss those hugs, but, its just not right to continue. I am keeping him from the one who truly deserves him, and in turn, depriving the one who truly deserves me.

I know from the start that he was in to me, and that is basically the reason why he was so brave and forward with the deal, however, it is not so with me. The feeling is not mutual. I respond to him from a different level. In a more carnal, physical, and maybe, psychological way, rather than emotional. I do not feel any stirrings for him, really. The song lyrics put it so succintly... "I don't wanna loose you, but I don't wanna use you, just to have somebody by my side..." and on the flip side, I don't wanna be used by him just to have me by his side.

I have struggled and labored with the decision and it was one of the harder things to do, because after all, there's no easy way to break somebody's heart. Its just not right. It is becoming a vicious cycle of needs and near desperation. God! Those hugs! That's what kept me. The way he would slide his arms around me, and own me! God! The warmth! I know I am a sucker for hugs, and he just gives the most wonderful bunch of 'em! The way those arms would enfold me, with just the right pressure... WHEW!

I have tried to be gentle and drop subtle hints that what we were having just has to stop, but he always found a way around by telling me stuff like "sige na, kahit hanggang matapos na lang ang taon pwede?" And so, came the first week of the year. Earlier that week, I have been telling him that I needed to talk to him before the week ends. He was all excited and his eyes would sparkle when I tell him that. I do not know what plays in his mind when he hears the word "talk" and it just tears me up to know that I am gonna drop the bomb on him, instantly wiping that smile upon his face. Saturday... I decided I would "talk" to him on a saturday.

Little did I know that he had something planned, and I really hated it! That day, when we met at our usual coffeeshop, he brought along a bunch of white roses (insert curse word here) and a pasta dish he took time to cook (insert stronger curse word here). Before I could even recover from the initial shock, he took a small velvet box from his pocket and produced matching sterling silver rings (summon forth your worst expletive here), hugged me (GOD! THOSE HUGS!) and said "Happy 1st Month!" I can not possibly break his heart today! GOD NO! I ain't that cruel, but I also promised myself to take care of this hang by the end of this week! I have been meaning to tell him too, that he need not pay up the "ante" money that we have agreed on. He already paid me P500.00 as some sort of a downpayment, and he promised to pay the rest when checks are finally released for the salary. I can not see me divest him of a weeks worth of salary that he has slaved over just for a silly and impertinent bet. I am not cruel, and yes sir, I am decent.

The next day, I texted him. I told him I wanted to go to church with him. At first he laughed at the idea, because he knows that I may be spiritual but not necessarily religious. He just didn't know that I needed all the strength I could get to gat this right. His eyes sparkled when he saw me wearing the ring he bought. He was wearing his too. All through out the mass, all I was asking from God was for me to be given strength to do this right.

After mass, we headed to a mall. I went straight to a silver accessories shop, and I asked him to pick a fine silver chain that he liked. He chose one and I paid for the necklace. I looked for a quiet spot in our usual coffeeshop, and as we sat down, I borrowed his ring for a while, took off my own ring, strung it on the chain, and put the chain around his neck. Then I told him "This is meant for the one who deserves you. I don't. What we are doing is wrong. Its a lie. We have to stop. Before we are in too deep and believe the lie so much that all our lives would become one big lie. Right now, I have no words to ease what you might be going through. Just the thought that this is wrong and it has to stop, CG." I can't help my tears from falling, and it feels just like a break up even if it was just a pseudo-relationship. I gave him a quick hug, and let go, before he snaps out of his stunned state, and give me back another one of his hugs that might weaken my resolve and not make me leave. Then I said, "Thank much..." He replied, "No, thank you... even if I knew you never loved me, you did not try to make me believe otherwise. If this is how good it feels, I'm sure, if it was the real thing with you, it would feel so much better! Swerte naman nya kung sino man sya. Thank you for the borrowed time." Then, I borrowed his phone, showed him how I deleted my number from his phone book, and in turn, showed him how I deleted his number from mine. Goodbye CG... Be happy!

After that episode, GOD I swear I need a hug!

SO Meanwhile....

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