I feel I have reached a turning point in my life.
This actually started as early as October. Days when I felt apathetic, lackadaisical and static. It feels like a lot is going on even if my body just sits pat there and refuses to move along with the waves that wash upon my brain and perhaps, my soul. I felt bored and sluggish, but something inside me acknowledges that up ahead, there are bigger things.
At first, I blamed it on the SAD or Seasonal Afflictive Disorder, but the Holidays have come and gone, but the feeling persisted like an overdue hang-over. Then later, a friend dropped hint about undergoing QLC or Quarter-Life Crisis. However, if this is Quarter Life Crisis, how old then should we expect people to live? In my case, that would be a preposterous 120 years, if that was true, and that is if it is a crisis on my quarter-life; you do the math.
I have always been a speed demon and a daredevil, this much I know, but my body just seem to bid me to wait and not expend energy that it just kept storing. I hate the inaction but I cannot seem to coax my body to follow suit. It seems to be gearing up for something big. It is working against me, and just lets my brain go the way of the wind. I think I know what is happening. I am at a major turning point, where I am at the brink of a major change that is about to happen, and my body is gearing up for that most exciting event. As such, with the barging in of the new year, let me take stock of a few occurrences, by departments, and in no particular order. If I have time, I may post a longer blog for each but for now, some bird's eye view.
Noticeably, my Christmas list this year was relatively shorter. I usually prepare 'generic' gifts for 'everyone' so I wouldn't forget 'someone', and usually end up with less than I prepare. This year, I had a lot of 'left-overs'. I thought that maybe, it's just that I wasn't able to meet up with these people and give out my generic gift to them because of my ramp-up job this year. Then again, yesterday, I met with a group of them over coffee, and I never bothered to give out the packs I prepared. Then, I remember my decision not to send everyone in my phone book a Christmas/New Year message. I know I have never been a believer of 'mass friendships.' I always say that I allow people to hate me. They have every right to do so, but if they do, they have to fall in line and get a priority number and wait for their turn to 'hate' me. This year, I feel that the ticket counter has just closed down. I have also never hesitated to burn bridges with friends who have either drifted, fell out of grace, or whatchamacallit. I have never hesitated weeding out my list, as I know it is impossible for me to be friends with everyone. This year, I have started picking weeds in my "like them but not really my friends" garden too. Friendships in question are all being addressed in the most efficient of manners, and all those not passing are being cut off with surgical precission. In effect, I cleared up space in this department.
I have said goodbye to almost everyone who had me on a hang, whether by choice, or actual participation, in the flesh, or in my fantasies. I have replaced my phone's wall paper and Divine Violinist has played a final somber note in our final tryst in dreamland. CC has also received three declines in a row, and hopefully, he does get the message that I am not there at his convenience, whenever he 'finds' time for an evening or two. Old flames have also started backing off, perhaps because of CG, and our pseudo-relationship. Speaking of CG, I bid goodbye to him too, though quite belatedly, and this deserves a post on its own. I have dropped all those 'could-be's and those 'not really going any wheres'. Therefore, the playing fields have been leveled, and only serious stake holders will be allowed from henceforth. No more kibitzers.
Even professional dealings and concern are being carefully weighed and hand picked. I do not feel a propulsion to say yes to all professional requests, even if I had the time, if it shows no lasting impact, and appears to be spur of the moment invitations and engagements. I have also dropped and quit two web-content writing 'jobs', and a few 'consultancy' rackets as well. To date, I have declined engagements as mundane as judging a verse choir, and an invitation to spread my tarot for the new year. Speaking of spreading my tarot, I will also post my new year spread in a future blog.
This is by far the hardest choice I have made because I labored over this one for days on end. I have decided to go to the Registrar and withdraw this semester. I know a lot of people will have oppositions to this, but it is not an impetuous decision. I felt it start when I suddenly dropped out of the rat race to the bar exams a semester ago. I just felt that the pace was not right for me. I do not feel the need for speed, and needless to say, my relationship with the law books have gone a bit sour. This does not mean that I will completely abandon Law School. I still do want to become a lawyer, however, I just need time and slack right now, and instead of begrudging and the skull-drudgery task of dragging myself, or hauling myself off to school, I decided to pull on all stops and just rest for this sem. Just this sem... Call it burn out, but I think I have to simply recoup and gather my steam back. After all, it is just less than ten subjects left for me, and I do intend to finish up. I just need a break right now.
So far, these are the departments that have taken much turns at this point. More and more I begin to understand what is happening with me. IT is more than just a biochemical reaction of sorts, or an imbalance of hormones. I feel it in my bones! After all, my coming birthday on the ast day of March this year marks an important day for me. I will be three decades old. Three has always been a mystical number for Wiccans and other religions of the old path. I think I know what I am looking at right now. I am making way for a bigger, better, brighter me. I am very much excited, and I am sure that what is happening right now is a prelude to a new chapter as it unfolds. Needlessly, let me get right the term that has eluded me, and that I have skirted around, in an effort not to sound braggadocious.
Allow me to say it then...
I think I'm at a turning point.
The batchoyan has undergone a few construction and renovations.
I think I am undergoing a METAMORPHOSIS.
Sorry Mariah... I am no butterfly... I am...
The phoenix is an enduring symbol rebirth. It has always been the fire phoenix for me no matter how over rated, because, time and again, I have been burned to ashes, but continue to pick up the pieces and emerge anew.
But now, I feel differently...
I am burning bright... with perhaps a cold and lonely heart... BLUE! Yes, blue...
After all, blue flame is much more intense and hotter than orange or red...
The Blue Fire Phoenix is in its wake of emerging... A turning point... A metamorphosis...
I am excited for my next Incarnation!
Here's to my future AVATAR!
WATCH ME SOAR!