Monday, February 2, 2009
And it comes down to this...
Before anything else, let me say that I'm doing this blog post because writing has always been my release. It is not meant to earn sympathy from collaterals or innocent bystanders, but to serve perhaps as an epitaph to a friendship that I gravely mourn the loss of. It is not even meant to be a defense statement, a rejoinder or anything. I just want to write it as a chronicle. Writing as forgetting, perhaps, as Sir John Barrios would put it, or writing as immortalizing, as I would contradict. Allow me to depress you a bit, as being depressed is a major understatement to how I feel right now.
If you have been paying attention to earlier blog posts, you'd know whom I'm taking about, but to protect ( as if ) the identities of people involved in this brouhaha, let me 'codify' them here.
She's the bff of an ex. We met through the ex, and I believe, forged a friendship all our own. so let's call her BFF, then. What sealed perhaps, the friendship was that fateful night, when, against the advices of my ex (who was her BFF) I urged her to go for a relationship that would be her first non-heterosexual, or perhaps, her first, per se. When the ex and I began falling out, she would fish me from my misery and always, always listened to me. I could not emphasize this more but let me say that again, She always listened to me. When ex and I finally parted ways, no make that, when ex finally decided to leave me there in the middle of nowhere, she became my sounding board. From the start, I have always struggled against the fact that she was, is, and will always be my ex's BFF, but against better judgments, I chose to continue the friendship, because I genuinely care about her, and in gratitude perhaps for her being there for me too.
Now, one of the reasons I decided to take that ramp up job in that BPO last December, was because, I met some good people there, through her, and with a commonality with her since she works there. This is my big big big fault. To make the long story short, I was so comfortable with people around her whom she introduced to me, that one time, while talking to one of them friends, I unwittingly slipped, and "outed" her to one of them. To make matters worse, she was a cousin of hers. Immediately, soonest I could, I informed BFF of my slip up. I told her that I take full responsibility for the slip up and that I had no other defense, because I know that it's my fault, no matter how honest a mistake that was. Later, cousin told me that I shouldn't have told BFF that I slipped because it doesn't really matter to her, and she loves and accepts her no matter what. Then again, I reckon that admitting my mistake upfront is the thing to do. Yes, I could have covered up, but no, it was the right thing to do. I asked BFF if we could talk about it, but she said she needed time to process everything. I told her that I'm ready for the consequences of my actions and I respect her need for time and space. It was not about people accepting her, says BFF, it's about her not being ready for it. Granted.
I even offered to resign, if that would make her feel better, which, in retrospect, what I should have done. It just can't be helped that we'd be bumping into each other. It sinks my spirit when I see her about and she gives me the cold shoulder, but there is nothing I can do. She kept me in the dark. Meanwhile, common friends who know about our friendship keep asking me if there was anything wrong, why all of a sudden, there seemed to be a rift between us. At first, I answered, "just ask her." Until I could bear it no more. I unburdened to some select people.
Meanwhile, some other things happened between the client of the account, who happened to be a "Coffee buddy" way before I entered the job, and some key people in the office. It was all about some of them saying some things about the client that I unfortunately relayed to him, thinking, that before he became my boss, he was, first and foremost, my friend. However, what I told him, which, by the way, these people are actually flaunting around the office, flagrantly and with impunity, was blown out of proportions. Actually, he confronted the people I named about what I told him, and named me.Of course, they denied saying it. If I could clearly remember with certainty, there would be other people I could name who say the same thing in effect, but I named only those who, as far as my memory serves me, said what they said. I do not know where or why it came to, that my issue with BFF got dragged along with it. Say it with me. SHIT HAPPENS! To this very hour, I maintain, that I only said what I heard them say. Wherever we would come to, I will maintain that they said what I said they said, because they said that to me, and that is not hearsay. Even bullshit client, whom I daresay, handled the information stupidly, said that I am not the first to tell him things like that, and I will not be the last. True indeed, I can name more people who said what they said, or something to that effect, or worse. Sad thing is, it's a pack out there. Tribesmen. I cannot even talk to those I consider "friends" in fear of being more misunderstood than it already is.
Now, she kept me in the dark for more than a month. One fine Sunday, when things were blowing over on that other front, BFF texted me, saying she's ready to talk! That was a relief! More than ever, I needed her friendship now. I needed her to listen, not necessarily come to my aid or be with my side. After all, it was the client who supposedly dragged this issue over. However, later in the afternoon, she canceled saying she had an important thing to take care of. I know better, but silently acquiesced.
I'm not really one to hang things over and dwell. I wanted to resolve this, but as is my self imposed penance, it is not my place to demand resolution, or closure. No matter how it tore me apart, I waited for her to break her silence. Perhaps, it was unwise, to seek out to unburden after being repeatedly assaulted by questions from "well-meaning" people about the coldness and rift, but then again, I am not one to drag, and I needed my balms and salves as much as she did. I did what I knew best. Unburden. My only fault is in trusting the wrong friendships. Mea Culpa, even so. All the while I was waiting for her to confront me, meet up, and talk...Her and me... because, well, that's what friends do when they are in this situation.
Now, tonight, she texted me. I did not save the whole conversation, but the whole point of the exchange was this: She wanted answers. I refused to discuss over text and reiterated the, perhaps, long overdue and badly needed talk. For the life of me, I don't know why she skirts it and keep telling me that I am not in the position to demand anything on how to go about this shit, and with all the "I'm the victim" "What did I do to you, to get this from you" "I'm more pained than angry" "You have not answered any of my questions" and all that jazz yada. I calmly told her over and over again that we need to meet up and talk. That's what friends do. Until I snapped and stopped being so nice. I told her... If you want your answers, I have them. Talk to me. I can grab a taxi right here, right now, and go to where you are. Then onwards, the text exchange just got cyclic. So I told her, were going 'round in circles. As the final piece of patience blew off I texted. "It would be much much more painful if you hear me say this to you, that hey, this is not all about you. You took a whole month to think this through right? Tell me... When you were doing that, did you think of how I must be feeling too? Ever?" and something like "all the while I was here, ready to answer you, waiting and still waiting to talk to you. You chose to get your answers elsewhere. Now, do you still want to listen to me, or are you satisfied with what you have from people you chose to listen to? If you have cast judgment on me, I accept that. I have been called much worse." Oh I forgot to tell her, that she pained me a lot, coz I expected her to understand how I hate hangs, because, it was one among the things I always complained about the ex who was her BFF. How could she exactly do that same thing? If at all, I was thankful that the whole ordeal with the ex is over and expired, now what the fuck? It's like the ex all over again! I forgot! They are, BFF's, afterall. She kept asking why I had to hurt her like this? I say I did not hurt you, and I never intended to. Of course I stopped myself short of telling her that she is actually the one hurting herself, and me, by refusing to talk this out. If only she met up and talked to me I would have laid it thick! Very thick. Issue by issue. One by one. So much so that a simple text conversation will not do. In the end, she finally said gudnyt and take care. To which I replied "Your refusal to talk says everything.It may not mean anything to you but im going thru this because I care a lot for u and I love you. then again, as u said, u call the shots." To which she replied "when I said take care of urself, I mean it, be well." And in turn, I said "When I said I care a lot for you, and I love you, I also mean it." End of text exchange.
That settles it, I guess. She had made her decision. I respect that. Now for the sake of what Bamboo said "Much have been said", here are the last few things that, as Lola Alanis thinks "You Oughtta know."
1. At the outset, if we talked, things wouldn't have been blown out of proportions, but up to the very last moment, she rebuffed.
2. Up until now, I never questioned how she silently dealt with the issue, so in turn, it should not be a question why I sought to unburden, in coping with the issue the way I knew how to. Besides, refer to #1
3. Painful as it is, this is not all about you. I had a stake in this too. I felt things too. You wallowed too much. I am a big bitch, but I do not do this to people I care about but hey, can you spell self absorbed? Too hard? Try selfish...
4. In law, people who admit their criminal liabilities get lower punishments. It is a mitigating circumstance. If it's a first, there's probation. I got a crucifixion by you when you slapped in my face that it is not my place to demand how to go about with this issue. Again, refer to #3. Then again, if you need a scapegoat, feel free to use me. Problem is, you will have to get a number and fall in line.
5. This is really the heart of the issue. This is very hard so please, brace yourself. It is not me who decided for you to have a lesbian/bisexual relationship. You did! Including the decision to stay in the closet. It may be harsh and bull of me to say this, but hey, I did you a favor. I bought you breathing space. You may not see it now, but really, soon, you will see what I mean. What made you think no one knew? What made you think you were "discreet"? Until when do you intend to run away and hide from it all? That is why there's a need for #1 because it boils down to clearing the murky broth that many hands stirred. After all, this is between the both of us. This is what friends do.
Now, music please...
Tangina ang gwapo ng lead sa video na to.. shet! Ahmmm sori, I zoned out for a while there! Distraction kasi ang linkin park eh... now where was I.
So perhaps... Godspeed and fare thee well. It was all good. I tried for the truth, but as it is, some people just can not take the truth as it is. From the core of my heart and soul, I love you, and pray for your happiness. I will miss you. Goodbye...