Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Loving, Leaving and Cookies
I am actually saddened by the creeping trend. Six of my online friends and acquaintances, bloggers or chatters, and a handful of my 'real-time'/offline friends have broken up with their partners, wether heterosexual, homosexual, platonic or what have you's with relationships ranging from months to years. Most of them, with their share of beautiful memories, and strong permanency, so it seems... I feel for them, and I remember my own break ups, especially the most recent one, months back. Ellie, a very good friend asked me what was the most difficult to let go of. I pondered on the question and I think, my answer would be; the dreams weaved together of things in the future, that now, can never be. That, I think is the hardest thing to let go of. I have even bitched about, how now, the holidays would be even colder. I even ranted how these ex lovers must have been very very sadistic in choosing to break my heart while a holiday is coming. I have been broken up with in time for Christmas, Valentines, my birthday, and many other significant 'holidays,' so it seem.
What can we really do if the person we love changes his/her mind/heart about us? What can really be done? What if they did not even think of the wonderful years you have together? There is nothing that we can really do about it, right? Sad as it maybe, or unfair for that matter, there is, really nothing that we can do about it. My Literary Mother, Prof. John Iremil E. Teodoro in one of his essays in his book "Pagmumuni at Pagtatalak ng Sirenang Nagpapanggap na Prinsesa" (Reflections and Rants of a Mermaid Pretending to be a Princess) has this to say:
"Ngayong nagmamatyur na ako sa larangan ng pag-ibig, tanggap ko na ang katotohanan na sa pagmamahal, ang responsibilidad lamang natin ay nasa ating nararamdaman at hindi sa nararamdaman ng taong nagmamahal sa atin o minamahal natin. Ang ibig kong sabihin, may kontrol lamang tayo sa ating puso at hindi natin makokontrol ang puso ng taong minmahal natin o nagmamahal sa atin. Kaya hindi tayo dapat magsisihan kung may masaktan sa isang relasyon. Huwag mong sisihin ang iyong minamahal kung isang araw, iiwanan ka niya. Karapatan niyang aksyunan ang kanyang damdamin. E, kung nagising nga naman siya isang umaga na hindi ka na niya mahal o may minamahal na siyang iba, masisisi mo ba siya kung iwanan ka niya? Iyon kasi ang tama. Hindi pwedeng ikaw pa rin ang pakisamahan niya gayung hindi ka na niya mahal. Parehong unfair iyon sa inyong dalawa. Syempre, huwag na huwag mo ring sisihin ang iyong sarili kung iwanan ka ng taong pinakamamahal mo. Wala kang diperensya. Talagang ganun lang iyon. Sadyang nagbabago ang nararamdaman ng isang tao."
*"Now that I have matured in the field of love, I have accepted the truth that in loving, we are only responsible for what we feel, and not with what our loved one, or the one who loves us, feels. What I mean is, we only have control over our own hearts, and not the heart of the one we love, or the one who loves us. That's why, we should not blame each other if some one gets hurt in a relationship. Do not blame your loved one if one day, he will leave you. It is his right to act upon what he feels. What if indeed, he wakes up one morning and he realizes that he does not love you anymore or that he loves someone else, can you blame him if he leaves you? That's because, this is the right thing to do. It can not be, that you will still be the one he will be with, even if he no longer loves you. It would be unfair for the both of you. Of course, you shouldn't blame yourself, too, if the person you love most leaves you. There is nothing wrong with you. It's just how it is. How people feel can really change."***
My question, however, is this... "That's it? That's just it? He/She changes his/her mind or how he/she feels for you, and that's it? What ever happened to commitment and the concept of 'making it work?' No repercussions for the offending party? Where is justice and equity in all these? I know these are just rhetorics and really, the answer is quite simple: all is fair in love and war, and well, you are simply a casualty of love, and the loss of it. Roadkill if you please.
Maybe, it's just me and the incurable hopeless romantic in me, but I believe that people like these, who get away with breaking people's hearts should not be put out into the world of relationships and exclusivity. They should stick to their silly notion of 'open relationship' or 'free spirited loving' and not be introduced to people like me who believe in the old fashioned concept of love, fidelity, and forever. Bitter as it may seem, I think, people who are incorrigibly brazen heart breakers should be put on a leash so they don't 'happen' to people who's out to look for that 'one true thing.' They are the reasons why people get jaded and give up on love. They should be tried for treason. Breach of trust. Serial heart-breaking. Recidivism. As the queen of hearts in Alice in Wonderland said "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" Rephrasing what Sandra Bullock said in Miss Congeniality "Stricter punishments for Parole offenders," I say "Criminal liabilities for heartbreaking!"
Seriously, now, and on the flip side of things, why still continue loving then, if it brings this much pain? Why delude ourselves with the illusion of finding that one true thing? Or, as one song puts it, 'if love never lasts forever tell me, whats forever for?" Let me turn again to Mother John's words continuing with the essay:
"Kaya ang mahalaga, kung nagmamahal ka, ipakita mo ito sa taong minamahal mo. Huwag mong itago. Aksyunan mo ang iyong damdamin. Karapatan ng taong minamahal mo na malamang minamahal mo siya. Siyempre hindi ibig sabihin nun, tutugunan niya ang iyong pagmamahal. E, kung hindi ka niya talaga mahal ano ang magagawa niya. Huwag tayong matakot na ipagbunyi ang ating pag-ibig. Huwag tayong matakot na lasapin at panindigan ito. At sa panahong kailangan nating isuko ito, huwag nating katakutan ang sakit na mararamdaman natin. Ganyan talaga ang pag-ibig - matamis na masakit. Sa pag ibig lang kasi natin mararanasan ang pagiging tunay na tao. 'Ika nga sa finale ng Les Miserables, 'To love another person is to see the face of God.' Dapat lamang na ipagdiwang natin ang pag-ibig saan man ito umusbong, lalaki, mamumulaklak, mamumunga, malalanta at mamamatay."
"That's why, what's important is that, when you love, show it to the one you love. Do not hide it. Take action on your feelings. It is your loved one's right to know that you love him. But of course, it doesn't mean that he will reciprocate the love you have. If he really doesn't love you, what can he do? Let us not be afraid to celebrate our love. Let us not be afraid to relish and stand for it. And when the time comes that we have to surrender it, let us not be afraid of the pain we will feel. That is really how love is - sweet yet painful. For it is only in love that we will experience how it is to be a real human being. As the finale of Les Miserables puts it, 'To love another person is to see the face of God. It's a must that we celebrate love wherever it springs forth, grows, blooms, bear fruits, dries up and dies."
Well, putting it short and direct, Kahlil Gibran on The Prophet say's, "So love shall crown you, so shall it crucify you!" And as I always say, For a shot at happiness, everything is worth it! The pain that is there reminds us that we are human, and that, when we find that one true thing, we'd know joy, as we have known pain. As for my exes, and all those who once broke my heart, I say forgive, but never forget. I may be one bitter writer, but I do know how happiness is, in the borrowed time that I had spent, loving and being loved by them. It was good while it lasted. One cheesy text message I received reads : "One day, someone's gonna walk into your life, and make you realize why it has never worked with anyone before!"
For now, I bid peace and rest for the battered soul. Remember that this too, shall pass.
and as for me, this text message says what I feel:
"Sometimes I feel like the last cookie in the jar."
A bit crumbled, a bit chipped off and frayed on the edges
But still yummy!
And I know that one day
Someone's gonna dip into the jar
And thank the heavens
That I am still there."
And that's how the cookie crumbles... Bite me!
*** Translations by the blog author