Friday, October 24, 2008


I'm pissed off! Pwede vah? I checked my friendster account earlier. I looked at the people who viewed my profile and I got irritated. The baboy who broke my heart months back viewed me. When he broke up with me over text messaging, I never replied. I figured that if he does not find the need to dignify what we had with a proper closure or a proper break-up, then I might as well not dignify this with a reply. He sent the message thrice, just to make sure I received it. Up until now, I never said any word to him. None at all. Actually, I was expecting it already, and at first, it was a breath of fresh air to be freed of someone who just doesn't know what he really wants and who likes concealing what he really feels. We had a really messed up 'last-evening together,' that night. I do not wish to recount the gory details. I discovered he went to a movie with someone he met online, whom I happened to know, and whom has a reputation of being a fucker-around. Our talk went a little something like this.

ME: What did you do inside the movie house?
HIM: Watched the movie
ME: Did you hold hands
ME: Did you kiss
HIM: No. He wanted to, but I didn't
ME: Did you stop him?
HIM: Yes, by tickling him
ME: And?
HIM: He tickled me back
ME: Do you want him?
HIM: He just makes me laugh.

It hit me on a raw nerve. That is exactly what I really really liked about him. He makes me laugh. He used to say that I make him laugh too, but now, he is saying that someone else makes him laugh now. And they talk on the phone. That's because I never call him on his land line. That's because when he is home, I'm still stuck in a class, and when I'm off, I'd meet up with him, not knowing that they had a good 'laugh' over the phone.

HIM: I wish it'd be much easier.
ME: Relationships are hard work
HIM: I know, but I wish it would be more simple.
ME: I am a complex individual and what we are having is a complex thing. Are you saying you want someone else?
HIM: No. I wish it was just easier.
ME: So what do you want me to do, then?
HIM: I just need you to understand me.
ME: I want to, tell me, which about you, or all these you want me to understand.
HIM: I don't know. Basta.

SEE? He wants me to understand him but he doesn't know what he wants me to understand. I know I should have walked away by then. What the heck! Later that evening, I looked at his phone and saw that he was texting a friend of his. He was being jealous of one of my straight friends; the one who was chubby chinito, whom we had coffee a few hours before. I was actually amused. I don't mind him being jealous. I like it actually. It makes me feel that he is afraid of losing me. So as long as the jealousy doesn't get overboard. It's a healthy spice, really. When he saw me laughing, he grabbed the phone, and wouldn't give it back, swearing that he was not jealous. I told him that I wanted to read the rest of the messages. He didn't want to give back the phone. That's when it hit me. It was deeper than what it actually is, and there are things that he keeps from me. That started the big fight. The next morning, I called and asked him if he wants to talk about this, or does he want time to think; just as he usually declares time-off to let out steam. I don't agree with this but I respected how he copes with things. He wanted time. I said I'd wait when he is ready to talk. Really, at that point, I wanted it to be over and done with. Two days later, he texted me the break up message. I cried, I felt sad, but a larger part of me felt relief. Another two days later, I saw an update on his friendster. I was surprised because he usually has his friendster account set to not show any updates, same as mine. I checked and saw that he has changed status from Single (which we jokingly said that we didn't have to really change, and if we had to, we'd set it to married) to In a Relationship. I saw that he added a new friend.That very same guy he 'tickled,' and replaced me in his featured friends with that very same guy. Oh when we became 'us' he placed me in his featued friends in replacement for one of his exes. He changed his shout out to "How do you say sorry to someone who refuses to believe that you are?" I got infuriated. F*CK HIM! He did not even dignify what we had with a proper break up, now he did not even spend time to mourn, is now with someone, and has the nerve to give that crap about saying sorry, and by broadcasting his updates so I would notice in case I do not check his profile anymore! What a JERK! His best friend, who became very close to me, and who was a sounding board of things with him, said that he knows that everyone who matters to him knows that it is his fault, so he is goading me to react and make a scene, so I would look bad, as his friends will come to his defense if that happens. I kept my peace. Two days later, he changed shout out to some sweet nothing, and when I checked the other guy's profile, they had identical shout outs. Confirmed! That JERK! Days later, he had his profile turned private. Still days later, he completely deleted me from his friends list. Now, I'm pissed off!

We never saw each other except that one time when I went out with a very dear old friend who came home briefly from her work in Manila to celebrate her birthday. I was driving in and he was driving out. He had the nerve to smile at me, and I couldn't almost couldn't contain my anger. I wanted to shout! Someone suddenly shouted my name, and I knew then that he was with his best friend, and it was she who called out my name, from inside his car! Best friend and I texted crazily. I told her I was so shaken by the experience. I wanted coffee. I drove to a coffee shop, and best friend came to me, in his car. She asked him to drive her to where I was and drop her off. Best friend told me that he was as shaken as I was, and he told her that he felt like scaling a high mountain and going back down in a rush. He also told her how vaporizingly I glared at him from my car, and that I was not even smiling. I just stared at him like I wanted him to disappear from the face of the earth! I did! She also said that he never doubted that I loved him, and he feels that, it's just that, this is probably not what he wants right now. Still Pissed!

I still haven't said anything to him up until now. Not a single word. Now, I find his profile in my 'Who's Viewed Me, and it so pissed me off! WHAT ELSE DO YOU REALLY WANT HUH??? You have your freedom, your new boyfriend, while I only have silence! What are you trying to do? I do not mind if he views my profile, and I know he does, but can you not do it anonymously? After all, you could log out, type my email search it and you would be able to view me. My profile is not restricted anyway. Why do you have to deliberately let me know that you viewed? Knowing him, he does everything deliberately. There is no such thing as 'wala lang' for him. And if it is just 'wala lang,' can you not take your wala lang somewhere and shove it up your ass? Very Pissed!

Before I bust an artery, in fairness, there are happy thoughts I keep about what we had. Happy things we did, like drive around, and walk and kiss under the rain. One time, he picked me up from school for a lunch date. I surprised him with roses. The expression on his face was priceless. I learned later on that in his 28 years of life on earth, this was his first time to receive flowers. When he got rushed to the hospital and got appendectomy, I stayed with him for straight days when he was recovering. I would sleep on the floor beside his bed, while his mom and sister slept on the couch. One time, he asked me to sleep beside him on the bed. I sleep like oil and it is very hard to wake me up. I woke up at around 3:00 in the afternoon. I was flustered. Everyone saw me sleep beside him! F*CK! What was I thinking? He looked at me, and beamed his beautiful smile, while his chinito eyes disappeared.

I can still remember this one time, while we were left alone in the room, he wanted to go to the rest room. I assisted him to get out of the bed. He took a piss and dumped. When he was done, I cleaned him up, washed and wiped him, even his ass! When I get so pissed and extra bitched up about these I feel like shouting at him: You JERK! I'm sure your new boyfriend WILL BE WILLING to wipe your ass sometime soon. Oh and yeah, I REFUSE to continue wiping your ass, literally and proverbially.

WHEW! I just needed to get that out... Now I feel better! Oh and yes, I did write a poem about the appendectomy. Here it is.

Appendectomy 'Upend-deck-to-me'
By Luis Batchoy

They made an incision on the abdomen,
To take out the offending organ.
Most likely, because it is inflamed,
Or worse, it could be ruptured.

It's just a minor surgery, really,
Medical advancements ensured.
It has to be done quickly, though.
Quicker than you could say, sepsis.

Then they stitched or stapled up nicely,
Now all that needs to be done is recover.
What was taken would never be missed.
They are sure,life could go on without it.

Despite the breakthroughs, they still cant say,
If this organ is needed or not.
It all sounds like a relationship to me.
I just wonder if they took out your heart too

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